Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Missed Connection Responses

It's been a week since I posted my missed connection on Craigslist and I got ten solid responses. Here they are below, with replies that I never bothered sending, in red.

Wow. That is fucking hilarious. How does a guy get 3 BJ's in 1 night anyhow?
I am an attractive man, but can't hold a candle to that. 1 BJ in an evening is plenty and I would be grateful and satisfied.
Besides, who has that much semen? After blowing your load once, what's the point? You're just going to have a rock hard cock and never orgasm.
BTW - I voted your post for 'best of CL'
Is this dude trying to hit on me? If so, I am all for it. Attractive and satisfied with only one bj per night? Man, all this time I have been doling out beej after beej after beej to what I guess you could classify as men, but are really more like hideous deformed trolls, so SIGN. ME. UP. And how does one get on Craig's "Best of" list anyways.

you're fucking awesome. congratulations on winning the day
This was from a chick named Delia. What're you doing in the WforM missed connections? Get outta here, bitch. After you vote me for Best of Craigs.

2.5
Well. Played.

"That which is said is not necessarily true, only necessary." - Kafka
This response was from someone named "Roark." Whose name is "Roark"? Your parents either hate you and so decided to name you something that is sure to bring you a lifetime of taunts and getting called Dork, or else you named yourself that after some Battlestar Gallactica character in which case your parents still probably hate you, as do I.

stranger...
zero.
yoga classes are paying off.
...frankie
I get what you're doing here, Frankie, and you were very close to being funny, but I just don't know why you submitted this to me in haiku.

this made my morning. thank you whoever you are. i flagged it for the best of craigslist.
Hmm. I keep checking Craig's little pet list and I don't see my post. What gives.

That is the funniest missed connection post I ever read!
This guy sounds like he would say stuff like "You better don't" or "Don't matter none." Get off your front porch and put your shot gun away yokel. But flag me for the best of list, seriously, whose D do I have to S.

13
I dunno if this is funny or dude just didn't get it. The system really wasn't that complicated.

I was not the guy at the bar but, when people randomly say things like that i also lament on it for days until I can come up with an answer or a joke, but the main thing that you said he said was "last night" meaning it could only have come from one girl OK here is the break down.
Average guy getting one blow job would take 8 minutes non stop if the BJ was great but not ever women is blessed with that sort of talent, so i am  just gonna go head and say with breaks 20-25 minutes with sex included 20 minutes(sex equals less times; cums faster or just wants to get out of there depends on the guy) average guy not including the Marathon winners of lasting long.
we can add in foreplay that's  8-10 minutes(I think foreplay is crucial to a great bj so i spend some time there but that's just me), depends again on the guy but he seem like he thinks he is important so he automatically would say hey i don't need to give the  4play but lets just says he does add 1mins now we are up to 21 minutes.
rehab time depends on the guy, see the average guy and again i am saying average guy needs maybe half an hour and the only reason i know is because i asked my hommies whats their re up time on getting a woody and it differs from 15 to and hour so i am going with the half and hour. Now we are up to 36 minutes. "if you wanna add  taking a shower getting dressed making up an excused to leave so she does get offended by why your not cuddling or spending more time with her...you know the BS that girls do and say to keep your around. we can add an hour, even so now we are up to 1 hour 36 minutes. times that by 3 and we are at 4 hours 8 minutes and that's just between each bj and that's if each one of them was next door to each other. I didn't add n travel time or any phone calls in between and i gave him the minimum of all estimated time. In reality its just not possible unless you set out that night to just get bjs you would have had to plan it in such a way that your in and out in x amount of time wash then move on. But it just doesn't seem like that was the case it had just to be one girl.
P.S i love your rant it was the best I have ever read in years, It put a smile on my face.
Thank you
Was I supposed to read all of that? Good god. Paging Doctor Snooze. How much time does this dude spend "browsing" the missed connections and responding with 400 word essays and where do I apply for this job. Someone get Craig on the phone.

I have no idea who you are, nor am I the guy you are talking about, but I have to say that is one of the funniest things I've ever read on missed connections. And i would know, I've literally sorted through hundreds of these over the past few months for research for a sketch show I'm writing.
In conclusion, you're my f'ing hero.
Sure, bud, lemme know how that"research" for your "sketch show" is coming along. And did you hear that, Craig? I'm someone's GD hero. So fuck you and your twisted mind games. I could care less about your elitist "best" list and any club that wants me as a member I don't want to be apart of. Go to Hell.

I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean it. Don't be like that.

1 comment:

  1. You should get some talent kid, it helps.

    Here's a hint, wake the fuck up, be sincere and stop trying too hard because I know you do - in your art and life.

    Right now, posting random responses on a webpage for yea struggling comedians that you never personally sent back to the responders is just you masturbating your ego.

    Don't be stupid.

    Then maybe you won't get spit on so much when you walk the streets.

    In the end you might be lucky enough to think of something as good as a Kids in The Hall or The State skit. But the way arrogance dominates you, that is unlikely right now.

    -Roark

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