Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Terrible Pickup Spots

The other day I was feeling complainy and therefore called my mom, because what better way to repay her for the gift of life then by complaining about poor decisions I make, amiright. In particular though, I was bitching about being tired of making out with lame dudes. Her advice was try hanging out at places other than the bar (moms can be funny too, you see) and then she suggested on my days off I "ride my bike to the library." I then asked her why she wanted me to date a homeless man, was it so we could look for jobs in the newspaper (another suggestion) classifieds together, since they'd be doubling as insulation in our cardboard box/love nest? These suggestions were cute, but clearly obsolete and although it's true that I currently do not have internet or a TV at my house for the time being, hanging out at Brooklyn public libraries is not the place to find quality kielbass. Plus I stole a mess of VHS tapes from them back in 2001 and by never going back have since written off as the perfect crime.

Relayed this info to my brother, who told me to start hanging out at the Christian Science Reading Room, where I could find a nice guy to settle down with. Clearly a joke, but I'm sure people actually do this. Stupid people! Who's gonna buy a used car without taking it out for a test-drive first. Oh, Christians.

Then I thought, what about the grocery store. Because sometimes I see bangin dudes at the grocery store and I think about maybe striking up a convo with one whilst in the checkout line...then I look down and see that my basket looks like the first time Tom Hanks goes grocery shopping as a teenage boy in an adult's body, via "Big." Sidenote: The last time I went to the grocery store, my favorite jeans split on the walk over, but do you think that stopped me from buying funfetti cake mix and pancake ingredients, hell naw. Hell naw.

Speaking of "Big," toy stores is another terrible place to pick up dudes. I'm guessing there's way less T. Hankses frequenting toy stores in real life and way more dudes that probs legally don't belong within 200 yards. Or they're married and although there is the possibility of snagging a stray DILF, you better double check your math before hitting it with a hot dad because last time I worked out that equation, me being around kids for longer than twenty minutes/when I'm sleepy/when I'm hungover/most of the time doesn't add up. On that note, if my calculations are correct it is five o'clock somewhere. Jenny out.

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