Thursday, April 28, 2011

Kinda Wish I Was A Dude

As I have said many times, I quite enjoy being a chick. I get that bitches are crazy mostly to all of the time, and I'm not very good at doing girly things like hairbrushing or feelings, but I enjoy it nonetheless. That being said, every once in awhile I find myself daydreaming about certain things that would be better if I were a dude.

Some jokes just work better. I got new glasses that I was pretty stoked on, until I asked my friend Chiara if she maybe thought I looked like a high school shop teacher. She said "yes, but in a good way." Not sure what she meant by that, so I responded with a joke (that was so funny I don't remember it now) about being a shop teacher and molesting kids. And it really didn't go over so well. Women don't teach shop. Same goes for funny inappropriate rape jokes.

Having a mustache would be okay. Guys, it dawned on me recently, after being told by two different friends, that I have a fucking mustache. Maybe from this Winter being so brutal? Or maybe I'm just getting older? Although last I checked I was turning 29, not into an Italian/Jewish grandma. Whatever the reason, I had no idea what to do about it- bleach, wax, thread that shit- wtf. Alls I knew is I didn't want to deal with stubble. Fifteen minutes and a $5 box of Jolen bleach later, I was back to my pre-Burt Reynold's self, but I'm not made of time and money and mustache-bleach. Don't wanna deal.

Farts are funnier. Once my brother was walking upstairs, trailed by his friend Ben. To this day I do not know how he did it, but he managed to fart with every upward step, directly in Ben's face. I think I fell down I was laughing so hard and Ben was miffed as expected, but had to crack a smile. Now, not only would I have been unable to accomplish this, since (call me a sexist) dudes are better at farts than chicks, but the only person I would maybe be able to get away doing this to would be Shanon. Whereareas my brother can pick and choose faces to fart in as he sees fit.

Peeing and periods- need no further explanation.

I could be a gay man. Don't get me wrong, lesbos are great, but being in a relationship with another one of me? The universe would in all likelihood, implode. But being a gay man, sometimes that just sounds like the life. Maybe I am really one of those chicks that is a mo trapped in a woman's body. Although if that's the case, it probs involves a lot of operations and explaining shit to my parents and practicing my "haaaay gurl" and I like being lazy more than I like showtunes, so guess I'm just gonna work with what I got.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Witch-House

Last night, Gandy introduced me to "witch-house," a genre of music I previously did not know existed. Also turns out that Shanon has written about The Weeknd (witch-house powerhouse) before and I wasn't all that into them (mainly because I am a racist) until he showed me this amazing video that I pretty much can't stop watching.

This video does so many things right, I don't even know what to say about it except that from now on I am doing any and all drugs solely in 80's mom-cleavage form.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

4/20

This day used to get my panties all sorts of bunched when I was in high school. Lame kids would skip and think they were being all clever about it. I mean, I'd skip too, but I also skipped on "Flag Day" or "Secretary's Day" or "Tuesday." But yeah, I generally find people that get super amped about 420 who are not Snoop Dogg annoying. In fact, I don't believe I will even smoke any pot at all today!* What is the code for drunk & disorderly conduct? There's a day I can get behind.

What I have spent the better part of the day thinking about, is what a weed superhero's duties would be and what he'd look like. Here's what I got: To commonfolk, he goes by M. J. Stonerman, but me and 98% of my friends know him as Captain Chronic. No, no- the Bonged Avenger. Or Ganja Man. He goes by many names, allright. So his day job would be working at a movie store or maybe an ice cream store or a bakery (all jobs I had in high school) and he appears whenever you're really stoned and about to get into an unfortunate situation, to lend a helping hand. Like when I thought it'd be a good idea to get high before attempting to talk my way out of jury duty. Which actually kind of worked, due to the judge more or less deeming me retarded and unsure if I was homeless. Or when I showed up all kinds of baked to a midterm without any notes, thinking it was the following week (Don't worry- it was art school. I pulled through). Or when me & Shanon gave her 16 year old family friend bong rips for the first time then when he asked us to walk him to the train so he could find his way back to Brooklyn, I drew him a map instead. Bet Cap'n Chron could have really helped him out of that pickle!

Things he carries around include:
Baby squirtguns filled with Visine to combat bloodshot eyes.
Jetpack that doubles as a mini-fridge, filled with delicious drinks.
Thermos filled with coffee, duh.
Chips. All the chips.
Cat sidekick named Meowi Wowie, because cats are mostly only fun when you're stoned.
Sunglasses.
Box of wine to help even your keel.
Fun toys like Koosh balls or those pin needles things they used to sell at the Sharper Image store, that you press your hand into, you know what I'm talking about, they feel crazy when you press your face on them. These gd things.
I'm not really sure how he helps out in these situations, but summoning him is easy (fire up a blunt,  play a Cypress Hill jam and order a pizza) and he sounds fun as fuck to chill with, right. I was gonna draw a picture of Sir Bongingham, and maybe I will regain my motivation to do so later, but as it is, I've been tied up for the past few hours trying to help Gandy decide whether or not to purchase a $8 Dominos coupon.**

*Lie.
**Truth.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The BSC: Where Are They Now

I should probably preface this post by saying this will only be interesting to chicks, specifically, literate chicks around my age that read the Babysitter's Club Books as a pre-teen. I had a very love/hate relationship with these books. One of those things where I remember thinking this series is dumb, what a mess of losers these girls are, but I think I was really just super jealous because why didn't any of my neighbors want to give me monies to watch their kids, wtf. Then I remembered that it's most likely because I find babies terrifying and was usually out riding my bike and throwing bomber-snaps instead. Things have really...changed in the past twenty years, huh.

That being said, like any other 90's girl-child, I read the shit outta these books. I was a bit of a troublemaker back in those days and therefore got punished (grounded) a lot. When my other best friend (TV) would get banned via punishment as well, I turned to books (cause what parent is gonna risk their kid telling the teacher that her parents banned "reading" at home) so sometimes these bitches were my only friends. This post was meant to be a Where Are They Now dealy, but then I discovered it's way more fun to imagine what 90's movie characters they would have grown up to be instead. Did shit just get meta? Shit got meta. Or maybe I'm just lazy, either way.

Kristy Thomas. Always focused on work? No time for boys? Favors unflattering turtlenecks, baseball caps, mom-jeans and blazers? Sounds a little like someone else I know- Clarice Starling from "Silence of the Lambs." Daddy abandoned her? Broke up with only boif (Bart) she ever had cuz she couldn't return his feelings? Coaches a softball team? Til you are honest with yourself, Kristy, them lambs aint never gonna stop screamin, girl.

Claudia Kishi. Cassandra, "Wayne's World." ZANG.

Mary Anne Spier. I briefly debated Neve Campbell's character in "Scream" for Mary, but she feels less screamy and a little more sadly broken. Enter "Reality Bites" Lelaina Pierce. Of course you pretend you wanna nail the uptight ad exec when everyone knows you're really just waiting for Ethan Hawke to slip you his grungy pickle. It's probably wearing a little flannel and listening to Nirvana and hanging out in a coffee shop too. Waiting for band practice to start. Wait, what was I talking about? Someone pass me that Coke can pipe.

Stacey McGill. Obviously, Diabetes McGee grew up and turned into Sue Ellen Crandell in "Don't Tell Mom, The Babysitter's Dead." I'm sorry guys, but I need a minute to toot my own horn here. Can I just toot my own horn for a minute because I'm hitting these out of the park. Toot toot.


Dawn Schafer. Yeah Dawn, we get it, you love California and want to live on a farm and smoke pot like a dirty hippie. Or! Do you want to usher in the seventies by railing lines and contemplating suicide, due to repressed feeling about getting molested as a child by your father.* Eh, six of one, half dozen of the other, what I'm saying is, take a look in the Jenny from "Forrest Gump" mirror, Dawn. A good, long look.

Mallory Pike. This may have more to do with the red hair than anything else, but I'm gonna go with Thelma from "Thelma & Louise" for old Mal Pal. Or it might be that the Pike family had 8 kids in it and having 7 brothers and sisters would make me want to drive my ride over a cliff too.

Jessi Ramsey. She was the "ballerina" of the group and I know it's not a movie but for the life of me all I can do is picture her as the junkie dancer in this 90's anti-drug commercial. And if you don't remember this from your youth, here's a warning: It gets real.



*Can we petition Ann M. Martin to rename this series "The Daddy Issues Club" because, come on.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Boner of the Day

Sterling Archer. Is it creepy to find a cartoon hot? Extremely, but hey, I ams who I ams. Just discovered the show "Archer" existed (well technically my brother told me to watch it awhile back, but as the "non-accidental" child in the family, I only listen to him 50% of the time) on Friday....and watched the entire first season by Saturday night. So my boyfriend this weekend was a cartoon, nbd. A cocky, black-out-drunk, slammin-hot, womanizing asshole who makes fun of everything and has a thing for ass-smacking with a ping pong paddle, cartoon. And I've made my peace with that.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Batman Villains; A Boning Breakdown

Yeah, by Batman Villains I'm talking about the ones from the movies, not comic books because they're boring and not the TV show because I'm 29, not 74. I used to really dig the cartoon and watched that jam after school growing up, but I can't remember a damn thing from that show except the Joker's sidekick (Holly?) and that I totally had an anime-boner for Batman.

The Joker (Jack Nicholson). Definitely gave me nightmares. I was only 7 when this came out and even though I played it cool and rocked a sweet Batman t-shirt almost every day, I'm gonna say that I was scared to watch it again until I was a solid 11 years old. But hey, it's been twenty years and Nicholson's performance in "Something's Gotta Give" is spookier than this shit any day.

The Penguin. Oswold Cobblepot. Ew. Just...ew. I've been sitting here for the past fifteen minutes trying to think of a character from a movie that I wouldn't wanna bone more than the Penguin and I can't. Even Sloth from "Goonies" at least has a heart of gold and is packing rhino-dong, because that dude is a giant in real life, whereareas the penguin is definitely gonna have baby-dick, fupa, breath that smells like a sack of chum, and I'm pretty sure he bleeds black.

Catwoman. The catsuit that launched a thousand boners. Man, woman, or beast, I can't think of a mammal on the planet who doesn't want to knock boots with Catwoman. She carries a whip for chrissakes and is probably the only woman on the planet that lives alone with 14 cats in an apartment with pink walls and none of these things will phase a dude's boner.

The Riddler. Funny dudes make chicks want to throw their panties at them. This is facts. But riddles are like joke's bastard step-children from a previous marriage that you tolerate sometimes but don't particularly want to deal with on a regular basis. If you were boning the Riddler, I feel like around the third time you asked if he remembered to pick up the dry-cleaning and he responded with, "What has four legs but only one foot??" or some shit, you wouldn't even need Batman around because you would stab his eyes out with a fork yourself.

Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones). It's possible I love Two-Face in this because I love any and all actors involved with the movie "The Fugitive," and it's also possible that crazy dudes with multiple personalities keep me on my toes and intrigue me, but I find Two-Face pretty badass. If you cover his zoot-suit-riot-rockabilly-B-list-actress side, him and Drew Barrymore are two slices of a sandwich I wouldn't mind getting in the middle of.

Mr. Freeze. No one wants an Icey Mike. No one.

Poison Ivy. Is this bitch tryna fuck up the Dark Knight or tryna find her glowsticks so she's not late for the rave. All Batman has to do is slip her an E Pill and a K Bump and her days of terrorizing Gotham city with...plants? Are over.

The Scarecrow. Is it me or does anyone else feel like kicking it with the Scarecrow would be just like taking a lot of drugs and not paying for them? If that is in fact the case, then me and the Crow kicked it back on Halloween circa 2000 when I ate all the mushrooms, tripped my face off, and was terrified of "stairs." But hey, free drugs is free drugs, so gracias Scaremigo. The real scariest part about boning this guy is knowing that hidden underneath that bag is Cillian Murphy's beautiful face, which is a crime in itself. The plus side, with that buterface-shield bag on, you could really fantasy-bone anyone you choose.

The Joker (Heath Ledger). Definitely gave me nightmares. I was 27 when this came out.

Two-Face (Aaron Eckhart). all he does is moo around after Maggie Gyllenhall, who I like as an actress, but is a little too gooner-faced for mens like Christian Bale and Aaron Eckhart to be having pissing contests over. Grow some balls, Eckhart-Two-Face! You should have two bitches on the side like TLJ up there and I get that your face got all burnt up but on the bright side you are way less of a do-gooder pussy now, and I'll just always stand on your left and you'll just hit it from the back when we're getting busy. Everybody wins.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Skate Boner Numero Dos

Well, I meant to post this Boner of the Day video on Friday, but was too hungover to do anything except watch it and alternately, BMX videos. Then I too thought about what my fantasy skate video song would be for a solid portion of the day. Not today though! Today I am getting shit done, thanks to the three naps I took pre-6pm yesterday and then falling asleep at 9:30 at my friend's house while watching "Serial Mom."

But yeah, this video is a double-edged boner-sword because; 1. I can't stop/don't wanna stop watching it and 2. After watching numerous times, I still can't decide who I want to bone more, the skinny skater punk or the buff skater asshole. Or the director! Emile Hirsch is a fucking beau-hunk too, goddammit. Between this mental debate and daydreaming about how I wish it was me that wrote "Serial Mom" instead of John Waters, maybe I haven't gotten as much done today as I thought....
Meh, no matter. Anyways, watch this jam.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Skate Boner

I'm hungover as balls, my coworker is blaming me for "taking him on a bender last night," I just ate a slice of lasagna that was about the size of my face, aaaaand I'm watching skate videos at work. I just watched this one which is basically just a chat between Panda Bear, Andrew Reynolds, Atiba and Spanky. But it's Panda Bear and some of my favorite skaters talking about music in skate videos! I have always had a boner for that shit. It made me think about what song I would play during my non-existent skate part and the answer is THIIIIIS:

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Stoney Movie Reviews

The other night I watched two terrible movies. The premise of the first was about a super slutty chick who got preg-o and her quest to figure out who the baby daddy is out of all the dudes she banged. And her best friend was played by Ricky of My So Called Life fame. It was really awful. You know how sometimes you do stupid things and the whole time you say to yourself why am I doing this, but at the same time you're powerless to stop it, like when I use the broken corner of my phone to press the elevator button or I eat an entire burrito from Chipotle even though I know it will soon after feel like there is a baby raptor trying to fight a baby Mothra in my stomach. That's how I felt the whole time I was watching this movie. The worst part was, at the end they don't even tell you who the dad is! The moral was she was enough all on her own and didn't "need to know" or some bullshit, which is all well and good until your kid is about 8 and morbidly obese with child-abetes. Betcha then homegirl is gonna wanna know who gave her bundle of joy the fat genes. It was even called something original like "The Dudes I Slept With." And unrelated, but did you know there's a whole website dedicated to spoiling the ends of movies?

The other movie I watched was called "Chloe" and to be honest it was mainly because I wouldn't mind getting to biblically know any of the three main characters and two of them are women (so homo). But about twenty minutes in, I was watching Amanda Seyfried start to get all evil and thought, "this bitch is gonna get pushed out a window." And I was right! Julianne Moore pushed her through a big 'ol glass window at the end. Then I thought, why is this Hollywood's go-to way of killing evil chicks in movies; pushing them through glass or out a window. "The Crush"- out a window. "Hand That Rocks The Cradle" - out a window, onto a picket fence. "Poison Ivy" - pushed off a balcony (almost a window). "Obsessed" - falls through glass table. And that's about as far as I rode on that thought train, before getting off at MFK station with Julianne Moore, Liam Neeson and Amanda Seyfried. Thought I had it figured out; bone Amanda, marry Liam...and I guess kill Julianne Moore?? Then I remembered how good she is in "Boogie Nights" & "Magnolia" and whereareas the only thing Liam's done for me lately is...age well and not have a vagina. Sorry, Jules but you and me have a date with a glass window.

Monday, April 4, 2011

LCD "Afterparty"

Shanon pretty much covered our experience at the LCD show, in the lawless nosebleed section of Madison Square Garden, hugging strangers each other and telling strangers one another how much we loved them. You'd think the weirdest part of the night would be the creepy pics Shanon #1 took of Shannon #2, but instead of hitting up all the "crazy" afterparties, we somehow found ourselves wandering into a dude's house in Greenpoint....right as he was in the midst of painting his face in the bathroom, and not in a "I'm going to a football game!" way, but more of a "It puts the lotion on the skin" kind of way. And then there were the unicorns.

I was trying to discreetly point out to Shanon how weird I found all these unicorns and I don't think she was getting it until I told her to turn around and look at what was hanging on the wall above us.

Then she pointed out the airbrushed wall art (of a unicorn) and later asked me if I'd noticed the row of My Little Ponies on the windowsill (I had) and the picture on the back of the dude's denim vest (A cobra! Haha, no. It was a unicorn). Around the time I was sharing a cigarette and flipping through 1960 Playboy mags in the bathroom with another face painted dude and Pat Benetar's Godson (truth) had run out of stories, we decided to bounce from the Unicorn Palace and head for my house where we promptly passed out to Roseanne reruns, Budweisers in hand.

LCD Soundsystem

So we all went to LCD at MSG on Saturday and bla bla bla it was amazing and one of the top 10 fun nights of my life but what I REALLY want to talk about is this crazy chick who was standing next to us. I guess she looked like Sasha Grey (re: porn star). Here are some pics.



Why do I have pics of her, you ask? Well for one, I was on some happy drugs that made me introduce myself to everyone around me. This girl ended up having the same name as me so I might've hugged her a lot. Then she asked me to take pics of her and the dude she was with and send them to her.

But the best part of the evening happened after the show was over and I received the following texts in a row from her as we were leaving MSG:

"Watch 'feast of love' - then call me" (I watched the trailer yesterday. Selma Blair leaves her husband and goes gay in it. This will give you an idea of where these texts are going.)
"I want to know you..."
"I'm serious... If you can meet me tomorrow I would love to. I know you're on X but I know what I feel and I can't ignore it - sorry if I'm too intense xo."

And there you have it. That is the second time I have been hit on by a girl while on mdma. Guess I just put out the awesome vibes? No comment.

Here are two more pics, including the balloon drop and the best pic of me and Jenny I've possibly ever taken.



Friday, April 1, 2011

Stoner Rant

Before I even start, there's a buzzing in my ear that's slowly going away but goddamn it is annoying. I am stoned. I had something really interesting to say comparing 1984 (which I just read for the first time) and the band that I just saw ...but now it's gone. My friend Lauren tossed her beer into the crowd. And then I tried to do it and I only ended up chucking my bottle at a 45 degree angle into a bunch of people. I threw it really hard. I ended up having to apologize a lot tonight.

But so that book, 1984... It was weird. It felt like I was reading something I should've been reading in high school. There were lines that I read and then thought to myself, "Oh, totally, if I was in high school I would've had to underline this and explain it, but now I'm just gonna skip ahead 3 pages and get this book over with." And that's how I got through George Orwell at the age of 29.

The point of this rant was to talk about Jeff the Brotherhood, actually. Fuck are they a good band. I would've listened to them for 3 hours if they had kept going with the encores. But no more than 3 hours, that's actually dumb. But for them, I would've stuck it out. Jenny slept through this show, and by the logic of "it's far and it's cold out" I definitely agree that she made the right decision. But man they are a great band.

Stoner Shanon out.