Wednesday, April 20, 2011


This day used to get my panties all sorts of bunched when I was in high school. Lame kids would skip and think they were being all clever about it. I mean, I'd skip too, but I also skipped on "Flag Day" or "Secretary's Day" or "Tuesday." But yeah, I generally find people that get super amped about 420 who are not Snoop Dogg annoying. In fact, I don't believe I will even smoke any pot at all today!* What is the code for drunk & disorderly conduct? There's a day I can get behind.

What I have spent the better part of the day thinking about, is what a weed superhero's duties would be and what he'd look like. Here's what I got: To commonfolk, he goes by M. J. Stonerman, but me and 98% of my friends know him as Captain Chronic. No, no- the Bonged Avenger. Or Ganja Man. He goes by many names, allright. So his day job would be working at a movie store or maybe an ice cream store or a bakery (all jobs I had in high school) and he appears whenever you're really stoned and about to get into an unfortunate situation, to lend a helping hand. Like when I thought it'd be a good idea to get high before attempting to talk my way out of jury duty. Which actually kind of worked, due to the judge more or less deeming me retarded and unsure if I was homeless. Or when I showed up all kinds of baked to a midterm without any notes, thinking it was the following week (Don't worry- it was art school. I pulled through). Or when me & Shanon gave her 16 year old family friend bong rips for the first time then when he asked us to walk him to the train so he could find his way back to Brooklyn, I drew him a map instead. Bet Cap'n Chron could have really helped him out of that pickle!

Things he carries around include:
Baby squirtguns filled with Visine to combat bloodshot eyes.
Jetpack that doubles as a mini-fridge, filled with delicious drinks.
Thermos filled with coffee, duh.
Chips. All the chips.
Cat sidekick named Meowi Wowie, because cats are mostly only fun when you're stoned.
Box of wine to help even your keel.
Fun toys like Koosh balls or those pin needles things they used to sell at the Sharper Image store, that you press your hand into, you know what I'm talking about, they feel crazy when you press your face on them. These gd things.
I'm not really sure how he helps out in these situations, but summoning him is easy (fire up a blunt,  play a Cypress Hill jam and order a pizza) and he sounds fun as fuck to chill with, right. I was gonna draw a picture of Sir Bongingham, and maybe I will regain my motivation to do so later, but as it is, I've been tied up for the past few hours trying to help Gandy decide whether or not to purchase a $8 Dominos coupon.**


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