Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Batman Villains; A Boning Breakdown

Yeah, by Batman Villains I'm talking about the ones from the movies, not comic books because they're boring and not the TV show because I'm 29, not 74. I used to really dig the cartoon and watched that jam after school growing up, but I can't remember a damn thing from that show except the Joker's sidekick (Holly?) and that I totally had an anime-boner for Batman.

The Joker (Jack Nicholson). Definitely gave me nightmares. I was only 7 when this came out and even though I played it cool and rocked a sweet Batman t-shirt almost every day, I'm gonna say that I was scared to watch it again until I was a solid 11 years old. But hey, it's been twenty years and Nicholson's performance in "Something's Gotta Give" is spookier than this shit any day.

The Penguin. Oswold Cobblepot. Ew. Just...ew. I've been sitting here for the past fifteen minutes trying to think of a character from a movie that I wouldn't wanna bone more than the Penguin and I can't. Even Sloth from "Goonies" at least has a heart of gold and is packing rhino-dong, because that dude is a giant in real life, whereareas the penguin is definitely gonna have baby-dick, fupa, breath that smells like a sack of chum, and I'm pretty sure he bleeds black.

Catwoman. The catsuit that launched a thousand boners. Man, woman, or beast, I can't think of a mammal on the planet who doesn't want to knock boots with Catwoman. She carries a whip for chrissakes and is probably the only woman on the planet that lives alone with 14 cats in an apartment with pink walls and none of these things will phase a dude's boner.

The Riddler. Funny dudes make chicks want to throw their panties at them. This is facts. But riddles are like joke's bastard step-children from a previous marriage that you tolerate sometimes but don't particularly want to deal with on a regular basis. If you were boning the Riddler, I feel like around the third time you asked if he remembered to pick up the dry-cleaning and he responded with, "What has four legs but only one foot??" or some shit, you wouldn't even need Batman around because you would stab his eyes out with a fork yourself.

Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones). It's possible I love Two-Face in this because I love any and all actors involved with the movie "The Fugitive," and it's also possible that crazy dudes with multiple personalities keep me on my toes and intrigue me, but I find Two-Face pretty badass. If you cover his zoot-suit-riot-rockabilly-B-list-actress side, him and Drew Barrymore are two slices of a sandwich I wouldn't mind getting in the middle of.

Mr. Freeze. No one wants an Icey Mike. No one.

Poison Ivy. Is this bitch tryna fuck up the Dark Knight or tryna find her glowsticks so she's not late for the rave. All Batman has to do is slip her an E Pill and a K Bump and her days of terrorizing Gotham city with...plants? Are over.

The Scarecrow. Is it me or does anyone else feel like kicking it with the Scarecrow would be just like taking a lot of drugs and not paying for them? If that is in fact the case, then me and the Crow kicked it back on Halloween circa 2000 when I ate all the mushrooms, tripped my face off, and was terrified of "stairs." But hey, free drugs is free drugs, so gracias Scaremigo. The real scariest part about boning this guy is knowing that hidden underneath that bag is Cillian Murphy's beautiful face, which is a crime in itself. The plus side, with that buterface-shield bag on, you could really fantasy-bone anyone you choose.

The Joker (Heath Ledger). Definitely gave me nightmares. I was 27 when this came out.

Two-Face (Aaron Eckhart). all he does is moo around after Maggie Gyllenhall, who I like as an actress, but is a little too gooner-faced for mens like Christian Bale and Aaron Eckhart to be having pissing contests over. Grow some balls, Eckhart-Two-Face! You should have two bitches on the side like TLJ up there and I get that your face got all burnt up but on the bright side you are way less of a do-gooder pussy now, and I'll just always stand on your left and you'll just hit it from the back when we're getting busy. Everybody wins.

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