Thursday, April 28, 2011

Kinda Wish I Was A Dude

As I have said many times, I quite enjoy being a chick. I get that bitches are crazy mostly to all of the time, and I'm not very good at doing girly things like hairbrushing or feelings, but I enjoy it nonetheless. That being said, every once in awhile I find myself daydreaming about certain things that would be better if I were a dude.

Some jokes just work better. I got new glasses that I was pretty stoked on, until I asked my friend Chiara if she maybe thought I looked like a high school shop teacher. She said "yes, but in a good way." Not sure what she meant by that, so I responded with a joke (that was so funny I don't remember it now) about being a shop teacher and molesting kids. And it really didn't go over so well. Women don't teach shop. Same goes for funny inappropriate rape jokes.

Having a mustache would be okay. Guys, it dawned on me recently, after being told by two different friends, that I have a fucking mustache. Maybe from this Winter being so brutal? Or maybe I'm just getting older? Although last I checked I was turning 29, not into an Italian/Jewish grandma. Whatever the reason, I had no idea what to do about it- bleach, wax, thread that shit- wtf. Alls I knew is I didn't want to deal with stubble. Fifteen minutes and a $5 box of Jolen bleach later, I was back to my pre-Burt Reynold's self, but I'm not made of time and money and mustache-bleach. Don't wanna deal.

Farts are funnier. Once my brother was walking upstairs, trailed by his friend Ben. To this day I do not know how he did it, but he managed to fart with every upward step, directly in Ben's face. I think I fell down I was laughing so hard and Ben was miffed as expected, but had to crack a smile. Now, not only would I have been unable to accomplish this, since (call me a sexist) dudes are better at farts than chicks, but the only person I would maybe be able to get away doing this to would be Shanon. Whereareas my brother can pick and choose faces to fart in as he sees fit.

Peeing and periods- need no further explanation.

I could be a gay man. Don't get me wrong, lesbos are great, but being in a relationship with another one of me? The universe would in all likelihood, implode. But being a gay man, sometimes that just sounds like the life. Maybe I am really one of those chicks that is a mo trapped in a woman's body. Although if that's the case, it probs involves a lot of operations and explaining shit to my parents and practicing my "haaaay gurl" and I like being lazy more than I like showtunes, so guess I'm just gonna work with what I got.

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