Thursday, April 7, 2011

Stoney Movie Reviews

The other night I watched two terrible movies. The premise of the first was about a super slutty chick who got preg-o and her quest to figure out who the baby daddy is out of all the dudes she banged. And her best friend was played by Ricky of My So Called Life fame. It was really awful. You know how sometimes you do stupid things and the whole time you say to yourself why am I doing this, but at the same time you're powerless to stop it, like when I use the broken corner of my phone to press the elevator button or I eat an entire burrito from Chipotle even though I know it will soon after feel like there is a baby raptor trying to fight a baby Mothra in my stomach. That's how I felt the whole time I was watching this movie. The worst part was, at the end they don't even tell you who the dad is! The moral was she was enough all on her own and didn't "need to know" or some bullshit, which is all well and good until your kid is about 8 and morbidly obese with child-abetes. Betcha then homegirl is gonna wanna know who gave her bundle of joy the fat genes. It was even called something original like "The Dudes I Slept With." And unrelated, but did you know there's a whole website dedicated to spoiling the ends of movies?

The other movie I watched was called "Chloe" and to be honest it was mainly because I wouldn't mind getting to biblically know any of the three main characters and two of them are women (so homo). But about twenty minutes in, I was watching Amanda Seyfried start to get all evil and thought, "this bitch is gonna get pushed out a window." And I was right! Julianne Moore pushed her through a big 'ol glass window at the end. Then I thought, why is this Hollywood's go-to way of killing evil chicks in movies; pushing them through glass or out a window. "The Crush"- out a window. "Hand That Rocks The Cradle" - out a window, onto a picket fence. "Poison Ivy" - pushed off a balcony (almost a window). "Obsessed" - falls through glass table. And that's about as far as I rode on that thought train, before getting off at MFK station with Julianne Moore, Liam Neeson and Amanda Seyfried. Thought I had it figured out; bone Amanda, marry Liam...and I guess kill Julianne Moore?? Then I remembered how good she is in "Boogie Nights" & "Magnolia" and whereareas the only thing Liam's done for me lately is...age well and not have a vagina. Sorry, Jules but you and me have a date with a glass window.

1 comment:

  1. holy balls i watched both craptacular flicks in the last week.