Thursday, May 26, 2011

Dirty Texting Rules

Every once in a while I find myself drunkenly caught up in some dirty texting. I refrain from using the word sexting unless I'm making a joke because let's be real, teenagers do that shit, and I'm a grown woman. Sorta. Although I did just make out with a 21 year old. Anyway, dirty texting is way fun. Here's some advice to keep it from getting fugly.

1. Only send nasty shit when drunk. Doing this sober is like admitting you enjoy Glee or something equally disturbing. That show bothers me greatly.

2. Never feel the need to reciprocate. Just because someone sent me a pic of a boner (um, hypothetically?), that doesn't mean I have to send a pussy pic. Ew. Unless you're a porn star, boobs and ass are totally acceptable for ladies. It's hard enough trying to take a decent pic of my butt, you think I want to look at my own junk or, worse, take 10 pics of that before I finally deem one to be send-worthy? Shudder.

3. Don't ever show face. Or anything that would give you away if that shit gets out (ie tattoos, um, moles, bruises, I dunno). I've got a real je ne sais give a shit about life in general, and very little embarrasses me, but I would be real cranky if some identifying naked pic got sent around. Just my boobs? No prob, I've got nice ones.

4. Keep it funny. I like to send pics with the caption "Needs retouching but look at that honey baked ham." JK! I would never call my ass a honey baked ham, who am I, Nicki Minaj? Fuck I wish I was Nicki Minaj.

5. Try to keep it restricted to people who live in a different city. That way "emotions" don't get into it. Which we all know inevitably leads to "insanity." I'd actually suggest this for dating in general, but that's a whole nother nugget.

5. Ummm, ok, one more rule... have fun? Dirty texting is fun as shit, don't be scurred.


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