Friday, June 24, 2011

"Hey Dude," A Boning Breakdown

This show really put the jam in my donut when I was a kid, to the point where I was positive when I  was old enough to work for actual employers instead of my slave-driver parents, it would be on a ranch riding horses surrounded by bangin dudes. What really happened was I worked in the bakery at a grocery store for slave-wages and smoked cigs out back on my 15 minute break every four hours. But here's how I would have broken it down at the Bar None.

Mr. Ernst. What's sexier than a doofus accountant/single dad with a teenage son? Yeesh. Pretty much anything, Ernst is definitely the caboose on the dude ranch boner train. I get the feeling his idea of "crazy" sex would be "lights ON," but then again, take a gander at all of those whips and saddles he's got laying around the ranch...maybe the S.S. Kinky has yet to set sail.
Still a no.


Brad. I used to be a crazy tomboy (shocking, I know) and all I wanted to do was be Brad. She was rich! And a babe! And rode horses! And I was not rich. And had braces. And rode a Huffy. Fucking Brad, you bitch. You may be the poor man's Kelly Kapowski, but you'll always be the number one filly in my stable.

Ted. Yeah, he wins. Look at those Tedroom Eyes. THANK YOU AND I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK, FOLKS! Try the lobster bisque.

Jake. For a minute I was all who is this Jake person and then I remembered I totally wanted to hit it with this smug L.A. turd. A Menage-A-Ted seems totally in order.

Danny. Why hello there, obligatory minority. Is it me or is "Danny Lightfoot" the most uptight injun ever. What a wet navajo blanket! He's always all, "Rules, hard work, you raped my land, bla bla bla." Nothing is hot about having a totem pole up your butt, Danny. I bet he'd be way more chill if he hit that peace pipe erry now and then. Okay, I'm done with the racisisms and would definitely hit it with Dann, chaaa-ching (that's the sound of slot machines at the casino we live at).

Kyle. He always seemed a little in-bred or something to me and I've never really been into blondes. That being said, Menage-A-Ted? Eh? Anyone??

Lucy. The muff-dive vibes I'm getting from from Lucy are through the roof. This might be the one-hitter talking, but I get the sense she's got a beaver boner for Brad. Like a mentor/mentee(?) thing. Man did I just gross myself out. Lucy's not for me though, I'm notta milf hound.

Melody. Man was the right pony to bet on or what, watching her in "Zoolander" (great flick) the other day was the inspiration for this post. She was the goody-goody/nerd of the show if I remember correctly (and I probably don't) but you know Mel gets freaky deaky with the closest thing to a black dude she can find (Lightfoot) to rebel against her parents back in Connecticut.


Buddy. I uh...read Tiger Beat for the articles, I swear... But real talk, it was a dude ranch, not a statutory-rape ranch, the only action Buddy is getting is from Rosie Palm and her five friends. And maybe Kyle.
Digging up pictures of these motherfuckers was no joke, so I hope everyone appreciates my hard, stoned work. And ted's in like every one. Not mad.

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