Tuesday, June 7, 2011

TMNT - A Boning Breakdown


Leonardo
AKA Buzz Killington. He may be the self-proclaimed "leader" but I don't like any self-given titles unless it's something like "party shark" or "sir farts a lot." He might as well put those katanas up his ass cause that's how stuck up he is. Pass.

Donatello
Nerd alert! I always liked Donatello because he could probably invent whatever I wanted, like a robot that makes me sandwiches. But he's a little "too attentive" to his brothers, if you catch my drift. I'd totally be his beard though. Cause he's a gay. With a bo staff.

Rafael

What a moody, anti-social, quick-tempered little bitch. Yes, please! I will hate fuck the shit out of him as he will inevitably break my heart. Yeah, I just said a turtle's gonna break my heart. I also appreciate the threesome potential with him and his best homie, Casey Jones. And the sai? I like any weapon that doubles as a fork.

Michelangelo
He skates, he surfs, he eats pizza, he parties, honey-badger don't give a fuck! I'd totally hit it ...after I wiped "cowabunga" from his vocab, that is. I'm also totally down with the nunchucks, or nonchaku if you want to get technical. Whatevs. Long story short, Michaelangelo is fun on a bun and totally bone-able.

Splinter
No thanks. I remember in "Secret of the Ooze" when they're all at April's house and someone says "What's Splinter been doing on the roof all day." And all of sudden he appears on the fire escape and goes, "Coming ...to a decision." I would alwalys bust out laughing after that pause. Old rat balls mcgee. Gross! Jenny said I would probably go for it on account of my rat fetish, but she is horribly mistaken. Great pets, but no way in hell would I ever freak a giant rat.


Shredder
Ouch! I say that because sex with this guy will cut you up, gurl! You know he don't take any of those clothes of when he bones down. He's all acid scarred and shit. BTW I am totally crying as I write this from laughing so hard.


Casey Jones
God I have a huge boner for Casey Jones. I want to say his name like how Short Round says "Doctah Jones!" but I'm unsure now if that makes me a racist or just someone with a really weird fetish. And sure the hockey mask and stick screams rapist but we all know I'm not afraid of a little surprise sex.


April O'Neill
Sha-wing! That's what all the dudes who watch TMNT are thinking. I'm not a lady lover.


Krang
What a freak, amiright? Indisputable Ruler of Dimension X. Shrug. I cooooould be into doing that giant he uses as a body but that's too Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome for me.


The Foot
I had a huge boner for every member of the foot in the original movie cause they were all badass teenagers who stole boom boxes, skated half pipes and hated their parents. I don't really give a shit about that anymore... SYKE.


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