Thursday, May 26, 2011

Dirty Texting Rules

Every once in a while I find myself drunkenly caught up in some dirty texting. I refrain from using the word sexting unless I'm making a joke because let's be real, teenagers do that shit, and I'm a grown woman. Sorta. Although I did just make out with a 21 year old. Anyway, dirty texting is way fun. Here's some advice to keep it from getting fugly.

1. Only send nasty shit when drunk. Doing this sober is like admitting you enjoy Glee or something equally disturbing. That show bothers me greatly.

2. Never feel the need to reciprocate. Just because someone sent me a pic of a boner (um, hypothetically?), that doesn't mean I have to send a pussy pic. Ew. Unless you're a porn star, boobs and ass are totally acceptable for ladies. It's hard enough trying to take a decent pic of my butt, you think I want to look at my own junk or, worse, take 10 pics of that before I finally deem one to be send-worthy? Shudder.

3. Don't ever show face. Or anything that would give you away if that shit gets out (ie tattoos, um, moles, bruises, I dunno). I've got a real je ne sais give a shit about life in general, and very little embarrasses me, but I would be real cranky if some identifying naked pic got sent around. Just my boobs? No prob, I've got nice ones.

4. Keep it funny. I like to send pics with the caption "Needs retouching but look at that honey baked ham." JK! I would never call my ass a honey baked ham, who am I, Nicki Minaj? Fuck I wish I was Nicki Minaj.

5. Try to keep it restricted to people who live in a different city. That way "emotions" don't get into it. Which we all know inevitably leads to "insanity." I'd actually suggest this for dating in general, but that's a whole nother nugget.

5. Ummm, ok, one more rule... have fun? Dirty texting is fun as shit, don't be scurred.


Boner of the Day

Thor. Or Chris Hemsworth if you want to get "real" about him as a person. Which I do not. Only thing that almost ruined this movie for me was Natalie Portman. Add her to the bonerkiller list. Fuck she's annoying. Only movie she was ever alright in was The Professional, and even then I wanted to slap her. And she was what, 12? But I digress. Oh, Thor...







Leftover Drunk

There is a golden zone before the hangover kicks in that I like to call leftover drunk. It's amazing for a number of reasons, mostly because your brain has not yet realized the record's skipping and the party stopped, but it is a great time to take care of bizness and here's a few things that work out well for me.

Getting dressed is awesome. Try and put together a bad outfit when you're leftover drunk, I DARE YOU. And the reason I dare you is because it's impossible. Like beer goggles times ten. Nothing beats walking to work with a Damn I Look Good swagger. Until about three o'clock rolls around. Then I realize that bike shorts are not, in fact, suitable office attire, casual Friday or no. 

What a perfect time to get those pesky feelings off your chest. Nothing beats waking up and reading drunk text convos and finishing them off "sober." Maybe I have even broken up with dudes this way! I can't keep track. Anyways, yeah, I could write a book on making irrational decisions that seem rational at the time. Fall for it again, brain.

It kinda feels like you can teleport. This morning, I realized I was out of metrocard monies, so I jumped the turnstile (thank you leftover-drunk courage!) then somehow slept while standing and almost missed my stop. And the train was crowded as fuck and I think I was very late and there was a long line for my egg and cheese sandwich, but it don't matter none cause frankly, it feels like I dreamed it. Am I even at work right now? Shrug.

Now I'm gonna go back to contemplating painting my eyelids to look like I'm awake while sleeping, thinking about what to eat for lunch and how it'd be nice to bang Mark Ruffalo sometime, and having important conversations like these.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Humpday Skate Boners

Need to catch up on my skate shit. Here's two great videos - one with some cute lil guys (no pedo, seriously) who kill it. And the other with Spike Jonze and some old dudes, including my favorite skater of all time Mike Carroll... Schwing.



Boner of the Day

Matt R----. Ok. Let's be real. I am buddies with this dude on FB but only met him recently at this fixed gear video shoot I did for work. I have not included his full last name for fear he will Google himself and find this post. The top picture was actually taken by me. It was totally a pervy moment for yours truly. I was pretending to take a pic of everyone else when REALLY I was just creeping on this kid who looks like a hot 16 year old. Apparently he is a hot 21 year old. But however you look at it, dude was born in 1990. Anyway he just won the biggest fixed gear freestyle competition to date and while that was like "ok cool, that's dope I guess," what I was more stoked on was his sweet rat tail. Yeah, I just said it. Sweet. Rat tail. You have to see it to believe it.

(Side note: the 3rd place winner of the same competition I was at was none of than Tyler Johnson, previous Boner of the Day. See what good taste we have over here? Pickin' winners and shit).






Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Shannie's Music Poo Baw Whatever

Yesterday during work I got a lil day drunk then came back to the office and made a summer mix. Then it took me a day to figure out how to make it into one long mix in garage band so I could put it up on the blog. SO HERE IT IS. If you don't like it you can go to hell because 1) I was tipsy when I made this, and 2) my music tastes are impeccable.

SUMMER MIX (download link)

Track listing (for those of you that give a shit)
1. We Shave - Creme Dream Blues II
2. Black Lips - Modern Art
3. John Maus - Believer
4. Ghost Animal - In Your Room (Golden Ages Remix)
5. Thee Oh Sees - The Sun Goes All Around
6. Unknown Mortal Orchestra - Through Ballune
7. Smith Westerns - All Die Young
8. Fucked Up - The Other Shoe
9. Ty Segall - Caesar
10. The Babies - Wild 2
11. Jacuzzi Boys - Smells Dead
12. Jeff The Brotherhood - Bone Jam
13. Yuck - Operation
14. Jonathan Richman - It's You
15. Grouplove - Gold Coast



Stock Talk

Sometimes my job consists of looking through lots and lots of stock photos, which means coming across some dream-haunting shit. I know there is a whole website dedicated solely to weird stock photography which you can google and browse through at your leisure (since I clearly don't have time to find and link to it) but for now, reap the fruits of my "labor."

I typed in the keywords "sharing food" and "women eating," but here is how I think Getty Images interpreted it: 

"Public cannibalism role-playing"

"Terrifying mer-woman blazed out on reefer."

"Just looking at this photo may give you the clap."

"Hey guys! Sorry to interrupt your super important hot dog board meeting, but I just had to show you my new rape suit. Subtle, right?"

This one is just dope. Who knew Kate Moss and Lil' Kim bro'ed down on salads together like that.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Boner of the Day

Jon LaJoie, aka "Taco." My boy Jum turned me on to the show "The League" the other evening and we ended up watching the entire first season in one night. It's a pretty good show, if you can ignore the whole fantasy football (which, good job dorks, way to make a sport even more nerdy and boring than it already was) business that it revolves around, as I do. And Taco, who plays the deadbeat stoner friend, is the best character and I did, as Jum so eloquently put it, want to bang him.

I don't know what the voodoo warlock magic is that makes me want to shoot my underwear like a panty-cannon at every hot, unemployed slacker I see, but I do know that I am powerless against it. It's like in "Weekend At Bernie's 2" how every time Caribbean music plays, Bernie has to start dancing to it. Those dudes are my island reggae jams. I am their Bernie.

But a hilarious comedian from Montreal? Let's make some French-Canuck baby frogs together because I am Down. To. Clown.

O HAI BROG

Well it seems I almost forgot that I am the 2nd mommy to this blog. I haven't written anything in about a month? Yeah, let's go with that one. Here are some things I did in the month of April.

- Almost burned my ex-boifs apt down. Listen - who's fault is it that the only ashtray on the balcony was an old Vans shoes? Not Shannie's fault, I'll tell you that. The funny thing is we left for dinner right after I smoked a cig and actually witnessed the fire trucks heading to the scene. I remember this because we both got annoyed with how fucking loud it was. 10 minutes later he got the call. Now I'm in the hole $175 which is apparently what half of a new door costs after the fire department busts it down.

- Had sex in a hallway. JK, he had whiskey dick.

- Got so drunk from a wine tasting in Sonoma that I threw up all over a very nice restaurant's ladies room. To be fair, I was not aware of the no chilling in a jacuzzi while wasted rule. Apparently I am the only one who thought that the sign which says "No Alcohol" was only there because breaking glasses around a hot tub is difficult to clean. Which it is. So my reasoning was not so far off the mark.

- Got cut off at a bar for the first time. I've been kicked out of bars tons, but cut off and allowed to stay while my friends still got to drink? Virgin territory! This was later in the evening following the throwing up story, btw. Nicky and Chris cured me (thanks, guys) and the cycle started all over again. Such is life.

- Made out with a client. When will I ever learn? NEVER.

- Went salmon fishing at 5 in the morning in Santa Cruz. I caught a 16-pounder then grilled it up for a bunch of fixed gear free style riders who's average age was hmmm, probably about 19. Cooking for young shit heads is not enjoyable. When I was that age the only food that interested me was the free kind, so I guess in that sense they were stoked, but did they APPRECIATE the idea of eating food caught just that morning? No they did not. Shit heads.

- Saw some Mexican wrestling. Meh.

- Left a waiter my phone number on a dinner receipt (which I also kissed and left a red lipstick mark on). He did not call me.

- Speaking of fixie shit heads, I also went to the largest fixed gear competition to date. I am now obsessed. Here is a great trailer for a video that my buddies made, along with another video that is rad.

And I sincerely apologize for neglecting my beloved blog.



Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Boner of Yesteryear

Sam Shepard. This one is due entirely to the Patti Smith book "Just Kids" that I've been reading all week. Damn she boned some fine mens. I woulda liked to bone Robert Mapplethorpe too (I'll get off this gay kick soon, swear, although I did have a conversation with Gandy the other night about a friend of mine he wants to make gayman love to and thinks is a closeted 'mo that resulted in this statement, "I will bet you a hundred dollars- and you will not be a prostitute if you do this- that he won't have sex with you." I opted out, not because I don't think I could do it and not because I couldn't use a hundred dollars worth of tacos and beers, but I was more concerned about...ruining the...friendship? Haha, truth be told, we probs just haven't drank enough wine coolers together yet. Give it some time. Tacos are on me.) but I will settle for Sammy. He reminds me of a cowboy from the wild west? Or maybe I just wish I could rewind to 1970 and write plays and get busy with him. Either way, I am on board the S.S. Shep. 

Monday, May 2, 2011

BIRTHDAZE

Ohhhh shit. Blog is two years old. Happy Birthday, Blog! And cheers to many more. I Got you the same thing as last year; liquored up and laid. I'm too sleepy to come up with anything more than these pictures of random hot dudes, and yes, one's in a bunny outfit.