Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Sexplanations

Now that I am 29 years old, I read mags like Seventeen and totally relate. I can afford (almost) all the clothes, and the makeup and hair shit is all from the drug store! Magazines with articles about "Politics" or "world" or "environmental" issues? That's not gonna help "get my crush to notice me" now is it. Whilst reading today, I came across an advice column and since decided to compare Seventeen's answers with my own. And I wish I could take credit for the title of this blog post, but Seventeen's got some serious headline ninjas working for them. I can't compete with journalism like that.

Q: I'm not ready for sex, but sometimes I get so into a hookup that it's hard to stop. Help!
Seventeen Says: It's a signal you're leaving your comfort zone, bla bla bla, I stopped reading.
Jenny Says: I'll respond to this as I always respond to inquiries about my alcoholism and drug abuse- Nobody likes a quitter.


Q: I feel bad when I stop a hookup. Is there any point at which you owe a guy sex?
Seventeen Says: The answer is always (in Italics, they're serious) no. He will be okay and you will too.
Jenny Says: Mmm I dunno which Seventeen staffer came up with that little knowledge nugget, but the answer is yes. When he buys you things.


Q: I've heard some girls have anal or oral sex to keep their virginity. Does that count?
Seventeen Says: Technically yes, but youse a ho. And you can still get STDs from them jams, I got two words for you gurl- Gay. Men.
Jenny Says: Okay that last part was me, not Seventeen, but it's a true story. And yeah it counts, but kudos on dodging the baby bullet! Teenagers are so smart.