Everyone Gets Laid

Sexplanations

2011-07-06T18:04:00.002-04:00

Now that I am 29 years old, I read mags like Seventeen and totally relate. I can afford (almost) all the clothes, and the makeup and hair shit is all from the drug store! Magazines with articles about "Politics" or "world" or "environmental" issues? That's not gonna help "get my crush to notice me" now is it. Whilst reading today, I came across an advice column and since decided to compare Seventeen's answers with my own. And I wish I could take credit for the title of this blog post, but Seventeen's got some serious headline ninjas working for them. I can't compete with journalism like that.

Q: I'm not ready for sex, but sometimes I get so into a hookup that it's hard to stop. Help!
Seventeen Says: It's a signal you're leaving your comfort zone, bla bla bla, I stopped reading.
Jenny Says: I'll respond to this as I always respond to inquiries about my alcoholism and drug abuse- Nobody likes a quitter.

Q: I feel bad when I stop a hookup. Is there any point at which you owe a guy sex?
Seventeen Says: The answer is always (in Italics, they're serious) no. He will be okay and you will too.
Jenny Says: Mmm I dunno which Seventeen staffer came up with that little knowledge nugget, but the answer is yes. When he buys you things.

Q: I've heard some girls have anal or oral sex to keep their virginity. Does that count?
Seventeen Says: Technically yes, but youse a ho. And you can still get STDs from them jams, I got two words for you gurl- Gay. Men.
Jenny Says: Okay that last part was me, not Seventeen, but it's a true story. And yeah it counts, but kudos on dodging the baby bullet! Teenagers are so smart.

Boner of the Day

2011-06-27T07:06:00.004-04:00

Heath Kirchart, mega-babe. My coworker sent me a Heath outtake video the other day and I had to tell him spank you because it resulted in my looking up pics for an hour. Also made me remember that I need to start hanging out with older skaters again rather than 21 year olds because they can actually afford shit like motorcycles and food that's not from from a bodega or White Castle (not that there's anything wrong with that). I also highly recommend watching the old episode of Epicly featuring Heath because dude is a total weirdo going through a steampunk phase. I'd still hit it, obviously.

"Hey Dude," A Boning Breakdown

2011-06-24T18:40:00.000-04:00

This show really put the jam in my donut when I was a kid, to the point where I was positive when I was old enough to work for actual employers instead of my slave-driver parents, it would be on a ranch riding horses surrounded by bangin dudes. What really happened was I worked in the bakery at a grocery store for slave-wages and smoked cigs out back on my 15 minute break every four hours. But here's how I would have broken it down at the Bar None.

Mr. Ernst. What's sexier than a doofus accountant/single dad with a teenage son? Yeesh. Pretty much anything, Ernst is definitely the caboose on the dude ranch boner train. I get the feeling his idea of "crazy" sex would be "lights ON," but then again, take a gander at all of those whips and saddles he's got laying around the ranch...maybe the S.S. Kinky has yet to set sail.
Still a no.

Brad. I used to be a crazy tomboy (shocking, I know) and all I wanted to do was be Brad. She was rich! And a babe! And rode horses! And I was not rich. And had braces. And rode a Huffy. Fucking Brad, you bitch. You may be the poor man's Kelly Kapowski, but you'll always be the number one filly in my stable.

Ted. Yeah, he wins. Look at those Tedroom Eyes. THANK YOU AND I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK, FOLKS! Try the lobster bisque.

Jake. For a minute I was all who is this Jake person and then I remembered I totally wanted to hit it with this smug L.A. turd. A Menage-A-Ted seems totally in order.

Danny. Why hello there, obligatory minority. Is it me or is "Danny Lightfoot" the most uptight injun ever. What a wet navajo blanket! He's always all, "Rules, hard work, you raped my land, bla bla bla." Nothing is hot about having a totem pole up your butt, Danny. I bet he'd be way more chill if he hit that peace pipe erry now and then. Okay, I'm done with the racisisms and would definitely hit it with Dann, chaaa-ching (that's the sound of slot machines at the casino we live at).

Kyle. He always seemed a little in-bred or something to me and I've never really been into blondes. That being said, Menage-A-Ted? Eh? Anyone??

Lucy. The muff-dive vibes I'm getting from from Lucy are through the roof. This might be the one-hitter talking, but I get the sense she's got a beaver boner for Brad. Like a mentor/mentee(?) thing. Man did I just gross myself out. Lucy's not for me though, I'm notta milf hound.

Melody. Man was the right pony to bet on or what, watching her in "Zoolander" (great flick) the other day was the inspiration for this post. She was the goody-goody/nerd of the show if I remember correctly (and I probably don't) but you know Mel gets freaky deaky with the closest thing to a black dude she can find (Lightfoot) to rebel against her parents back in Connecticut.

Buddy. I uh...read Tiger Beat for the articles, I swear... But real talk, it was a dude ranch, not a statutory-rape ranch, the only action Buddy is getting is from Rosie Palm and her five friends. And maybe Kyle.

Digging up pictures of these motherfuckers was no joke, so I hope everyone appreciates my hard, stoned work. And ted's in like every one. Not mad.

Boner of the Day

2011-06-16T17:47:00.000-04:00

Chris Pontius. Man, I have been burning a boner torch for this dude damn near a decade now. Sure, Johnny Knoxville was the prettyboy face of Jackass and don't get me wrong, I would tap that ass like Morse code, but Pontius is the real meat and potatoes of that show. Last night I watched a mess of Wild Boyz episodes, which I missed the boat on first time around due to not having cable for the past ten years of my adult life, and I fell in love all over again. I feel like hanging out with him would just be one big hilarious party all the time and who doesn't like doing it with hilarious party animals? Not me. That's who.

VIDEO CRUSH

2011-06-13T16:33:00.000-04:00

Shanon sent me Robyn's "Call Your Girlfriend" video last week....and since then, learning the dance she does is pretty much all I want to do with my time. The song itself is kinda fucked up, but if my boif called me and was all "Hey I'ma start bangin Robyn now, sor" I'd be miffed right up until I watched this jam and then gracefully bow out cause this shit is SO. GOOD. And it holds a special place in my heart, for reasons threefold:

1. This is a signature move of mine, that I maybe coined while on a mess of MDMA in my friend Megan's basement in Philly. What can I say, I love all things air-punching.

2. About 7 years ago, Nicky had a graduation party at her parents house where Shanon proceeded to get epically drunk. Things got...sloppy, but the highlight of the evening was definitely when Shanon did a solo act on the lawn out back of this move. Ahead of her time, that one.

3. I kinda feel like this is just how Gandy dances always.

Untitled Post

2011-06-08T18:06:00.001-04:00

TMNT - A Boning Breakdown

2011-06-07T17:05:00.005-04:00

Leonardo

AKA Buzz Killington. He may be the self-proclaimed "leader" but I don't like any self-given titles unless it's something like "party shark" or "sir farts a lot." He might as well put those katanas up his ass cause that's how stuck up he is. Pass.

Donatello
Nerd alert! I always liked Donatello because he could probably invent whatever I wanted, like a robot that makes me sandwiches. But he's a little "too attentive" to his brothers, if you catch my drift. I'd totally be his beard though. Cause he's a gay. With a bo staff.

Rafael
What a moody, anti-social, quick-tempered little bitch. Yes, please! I will hate fuck the shit out of him as he will inevitably break my heart. Yeah, I just said a turtle's gonna break my heart. I also appreciate the threesome potential with him and his best homie, Casey Jones. And the sai? I like any weapon that doubles as a fork.

Michelangelo
He skates, he surfs, he eats pizza, he parties, honey-badger don't give a fuck! I'd totally hit it ...after I wiped "cowabunga" from his vocab, that is. I'm also totally down with the nunchucks, or nonchaku if you want to get technical. Whatevs. Long story short, Michaelangelo is fun on a bun and totally bone-able.

Splinter
No thanks. I remember in "Secret of the Ooze" when they're all at April's house and someone says "What's Splinter been doing on the roof all day." And all of sudden he appears on the fire escape and goes, "Coming ...to a decision." I would alwalys bust out laughing after that pause. Old rat balls mcgee. Gross! Jenny said I would probably go for it on account of my rat fetish, but she is horribly mistaken. Great pets, but no way in hell would I ever freak a giant rat.

Shredder
Ouch! I say that because sex with this guy will cut you up, gurl! You know he don't take any of those clothes of when he bones down. He's all acid scarred and shit. BTW I am totally crying as I write this from laughing so hard.

Casey Jones
God I have a huge boner for Casey Jones. I want to say his name like how Short Round says "Doctah Jones!" but I'm unsure now if that makes me a racist or just someone with a really weird fetish. And sure the hockey mask and stick screams rapist but we all know I'm not afraid of a little surprise sex.

April O'Neill
Sha-wing! That's what all the dudes who watch TMNT are thinking. I'm not a lady lover.

Krang
What a freak, amiright? Indisputable Ruler of Dimension X. Shrug. I cooooould be into doing that giant he uses as a body but that's too Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome for me.

The Foot
I had a huge boner for every member of the foot in the original movie cause they were all badass teenagers who stole boom boxes, skated half pipes and hated their parents. I don't really give a shit about that anymore... SYKE.

Ahem, X-Men

2011-06-05T23:48:00.004-04:00

I turfed pretty hard Saturday night, twisting my ankle, skinning my knee, and bruising my ass. Silver lining - all my teeth are in tact. But as a result, Sunday was spent resting in the park and catching a double feature at the theater by my house. X-Men followed by the Hangover 2.

One word Hangover 2 review - No.

X-Men First Class, on the other hand, was the tits. Probably the best comic book movie ever, and yes that means better than Iron Man and the first Spiderman. Let me preface this by saying I could stare at James Mcavoy and Michael Fassbender all the live long day. But that's not why it was amazing, that was just a boner bonus.

The movie did a spot on job of giving the entire back story to the series, the best obviously being Xavier and Magneto's friendship, along with the origins of shit like the Beast (hello Nicholas Hoult, previous BOD), and Mystique. The end fight scene was also badass, unlike the previous X-Men movies which have all ended absurdly.

Oh, and it's got Kevin Bacon as the totally evil villain. Did I mention he plays a nazi ...and speaks German?! NBD. He also dies in a pretty sick and twisted way. I mean, spoiler alert, but come on the villain always dies (except for Shredder in TMNT and ok maybe a few others).

So anywho, go fucking see it. And now what we've all REALLY been waiting for. Pics of Fassbender lookin hot as shit.

Boner of the Day

2011-06-02T16:23:00.004-04:00

Brad Staba. Want. To. Hit. It. Direct from his twitter (yeah, I've been known to lurk), "Dear box of White Castle burgers in my freezer. I'm sorry for what I'm about to do to you. - Staba." And then there's the pic of him wearing the double injun braids. Or Willie Nelsons, as Jenny calls it. Not puttin' that photo up here though. That's for personal keeps.

Boner of the Day

2011-06-01T15:49:00.002-04:00

Ben Cohen. Ugh, I have a cold. Summer colds are the pits. It's the first nice week and everyone is running around with their short skirts and chasing dudes and drinking whiskey. I mean, I'm doing that too, only with my grumpy face on. So far so good. I was complaining about feeling shitty to my boy, who asked if I needed a hot beef injection to make me feel better and after peeping this B.O.D., I think that just might be what the doctor ordered. He is a rugby player somewhere across the pond and can sack (rugby term! eh?) me anytime. I dun even care if he's a bit chubs, just more cushion for the pushin'.

Thanks for the heads up, Gandy.

Dirty Texting Rules

2011-05-26T16:25:00.006-04:00

Every once in a while I find myself drunkenly caught up in some dirty texting. I refrain from using the word sexting unless I'm making a joke because let's be real, teenagers do that shit, and I'm a grown woman. Sorta. Although I did just make out with a 21 year old. Anyway, dirty texting is way fun. Here's some advice to keep it from getting fugly.

1. Only send nasty shit when drunk. Doing this sober is like admitting you enjoy Glee or something equally disturbing. That show bothers me greatly.

2. Never feel the need to reciprocate. Just because someone sent me a pic of a boner (um, hypothetically?), that doesn't mean I have to send a pussy pic. Ew. Unless you're a porn star, boobs and ass are totally acceptable for ladies. It's hard enough trying to take a decent pic of my butt, you think I want to look at my own junk or, worse, take 10 pics of that before I finally deem one to be send-worthy? Shudder.

3. Don't ever show face. Or anything that would give you away if that shit gets out (ie tattoos, um, moles, bruises, I dunno). I've got a real je ne sais give a shit about life in general, and very little embarrasses me, but I would be real cranky if some identifying naked pic got sent around. Just my boobs? No prob, I've got nice ones.

4. Keep it funny. I like to send pics with the caption "Needs retouching but look at that honey baked ham." JK! I would never call my ass a honey baked ham, who am I, Nicki Minaj? Fuck I wish I was Nicki Minaj.

5. Try to keep it restricted to people who live in a different city. That way "emotions" don't get into it. Which we all know inevitably leads to "insanity." I'd actually suggest this for dating in general, but that's a whole nother nugget.

5. Ummm, ok, one more rule... have fun? Dirty texting is fun as shit, don't be scurred.

Boner of the Day

2011-05-26T15:21:00.004-04:00

Thor. Or Chris Hemsworth if you want to get "real" about him as a person. Which I do not. Only thing that almost ruined this movie for me was Natalie Portman. Add her to the bonerkiller list. Fuck she's annoying. Only movie she was ever alright in was The Professional, and even then I wanted to slap her. And she was what, 12? But I digress. Oh, Thor...

Leftover Drunk

2011-05-26T12:43:00.001-04:00

There is a golden zone before the hangover kicks in that I like to call leftover drunk. It's amazing for a number of reasons, mostly because your brain has not yet realized the record's skipping and the party stopped, but it is a great time to take care of bizness and here's a few things that work out well for me.

Getting dressed is awesome. Try and put together a bad outfit when you're leftover drunk, I DARE YOU. And the reason I dare you is because it's impossible. Like beer goggles times ten. Nothing beats walking to work with a Damn I Look Good swagger. Until about three o'clock rolls around. Then I realize that bike shorts are not, in fact, suitable office attire, casual Friday or no.

What a perfect time to get those pesky feelings off your chest. Nothing beats waking up and reading drunk text convos and finishing them off "sober." Maybe I have even broken up with dudes this way! I can't keep track. Anyways, yeah, I could write a book on making irrational decisions that seem rational at the time. Fall for it again, brain.

It kinda feels like you can teleport. This morning, I realized I was out of metrocard monies, so I jumped the turnstile (thank you leftover-drunk courage!) then somehow slept while standing and almost missed my stop. And the train was crowded as fuck and I think I was very late and there was a long line for my egg and cheese sandwich, but it don't matter none cause frankly, it feels like I dreamed it. Am I even at work right now? Shrug.

Now I'm gonna go back to contemplating painting my eyelids to look like I'm awake while sleeping, thinking about what to eat for lunch and how it'd be nice to bang Mark Ruffalo sometime, and having important conversations like these.

Humpday Skate Boners

2011-05-18T10:23:00.004-04:00

Need to catch up on my skate shit. Here's two great videos - one with some cute lil guys (no pedo, seriously) who kill it. And the other with Spike Jonze and some old dudes, including my favorite skater of all time Mike Carroll... Schwing.

Boner of the Day

2011-05-18T08:03:00.003-04:00

Matt R----. Ok. Let's be real. I am buddies with this dude on FB but only met him recently at this fixed gear video shoot I did for work. I have not included his full last name for fear he will Google himself and find this post. The top picture was actually taken by me. It was totally a pervy moment for yours truly. I was pretending to take a pic of everyone else when REALLY I was just creeping on this kid who looks like a hot 16 year old. Apparently he is a hot 21 year old. But however you look at it, dude was born in 1990. Anyway he just won the biggest fixed gear freestyle competition to date and while that was like "ok cool, that's dope I guess," what I was more stoked on was his sweet rat tail. Yeah, I just said it. Sweet. Rat tail. You have to see it to believe it.

(Side note: the 3rd place winner of the same competition I was at was none of than Tyler Johnson, previous Boner of the Day. See what good taste we have over here? Pickin' winners and shit).

Good Day

2011-05-17T11:20:00.000-04:00

Shannie's Music Poo Baw Whatever

2011-05-11T17:18:00.000-04:00

Yesterday during work I got a lil day drunk then came back to the office and made a summer mix. Then it took me a day to figure out how to make it into one long mix in garage band so I could put it up on the blog. SO HERE IT IS. If you don't like it you can go to hell because 1) I was tipsy when I made this, and 2) my music tastes are impeccable.

SUMMER MIX (download link)

Track listing (for those of you that give a shit)
1. We Shave - Creme Dream Blues II
2. Black Lips - Modern Art
3. John Maus - Believer
4. Ghost Animal - In Your Room (Golden Ages Remix)
5. Thee Oh Sees - The Sun Goes All Around
6. Unknown Mortal Orchestra - Through Ballune
7. Smith Westerns - All Die Young
8. Fucked Up - The Other Shoe
9. Ty Segall - Caesar
10. The Babies - Wild 2
11. Jacuzzi Boys - Smells Dead
12. Jeff The Brotherhood - Bone Jam
13. Yuck - Operation
14. Jonathan Richman - It's You
15. Grouplove - Gold Coast

Stock Talk

2011-05-11T13:39:00.000-04:00

Sometimes my job consists of looking through lots and lots of stock photos, which means coming across some dream-haunting shit. I know there is a whole website dedicated solely to weird stock photography which you can google and browse through at your leisure (since I clearly don't have time to find and link to it) but for now, reap the fruits of my "labor."

I typed in the keywords "sharing food" and "women eating," but here is how I think Getty Images interpreted it:

"Public cannibalism role-playing"

"Terrifying mer-woman blazed out on reefer."

"Just looking at this photo may give you the clap."

"Hey guys! Sorry to interrupt your super important hot dog board meeting, but I just had to show you my new rape suit. Subtle, right?"

This one is just dope. Who knew Kate Moss and Lil' Kim bro'ed down on salads together like that.

Boner of the Day

2011-05-10T17:49:00.000-04:00

Jon LaJoie, aka "Taco." My boy Jum turned me on to the show "The League" the other evening and we ended up watching the entire first season in one night. It's a pretty good show, if you can ignore the whole fantasy football (which, good job dorks, way to make a sport even more nerdy and boring than it already was) business that it revolves around, as I do. And Taco, who plays the deadbeat stoner friend, is the best character and I did, as Jum so eloquently put it, want to bang him.

I don't know what the voodoo warlock magic is that makes me want to shoot my underwear like a panty-cannon at every hot, unemployed slacker I see, but I do know that I am powerless against it. It's like in "Weekend At Bernie's 2" how every time Caribbean music plays, Bernie has to start dancing to it. Those dudes are my island reggae jams. I am their Bernie.

But a hilarious comedian from Montreal? Let's make some French-Canuck baby frogs together because I am Down. To. Clown.

O HAI BROG

2011-05-10T14:39:00.006-04:00

Well it seems I almost forgot that I am the 2nd mommy to this blog. I haven't written anything in about a month? Yeah, let's go with that one. Here are some things I did in the month of April.

- Almost burned my ex-boifs apt down. Listen - who's fault is it that the only ashtray on the balcony was an old Vans shoes? Not Shannie's fault, I'll tell you that. The funny thing is we left for dinner right after I smoked a cig and actually witnessed the fire trucks heading to the scene. I remember this because we both got annoyed with how fucking loud it was. 10 minutes later he got the call. Now I'm in the hole $175 which is apparently what half of a new door costs after the fire department busts it down.

- Had sex in a hallway. JK, he had whiskey dick.

- Got so drunk from a wine tasting in Sonoma that I threw up all over a very nice restaurant's ladies room. To be fair, I was not aware of the no chilling in a jacuzzi while wasted rule. Apparently I am the only one who thought that the sign which says "No Alcohol" was only there because breaking glasses around a hot tub is difficult to clean. Which it is. So my reasoning was not so far off the mark.

- Got cut off at a bar for the first time. I've been kicked out of bars tons, but cut off and allowed to stay while my friends still got to drink? Virgin territory! This was later in the evening following the throwing up story, btw. Nicky and Chris cured me (thanks, guys) and the cycle started all over again. Such is life.

- Made out with a client. When will I ever learn? NEVER.

- Went salmon fishing at 5 in the morning in Santa Cruz. I caught a 16-pounder then grilled it up for a bunch of fixed gear free style riders who's average age was hmmm, probably about 19. Cooking for young shit heads is not enjoyable. When I was that age the only food that interested me was the free kind, so I guess in that sense they were stoked, but did they APPRECIATE the idea of eating food caught just that morning? No they did not. Shit heads.

- Saw some Mexican wrestling. Meh.

- Left a waiter my phone number on a dinner receipt (which I also kissed and left a red lipstick mark on). He did not call me.

- Speaking of fixie shit heads, I also went to the largest fixed gear competition to date. I am now obsessed. Here is a great trailer for a video that my buddies made, along with another video that is rad.

And I sincerely apologize for neglecting my beloved blog.

Boner of Yesteryear

2011-05-03T13:16:00.000-04:00

Sam Shepard. This one is due entirely to the Patti Smith book "Just Kids" that I've been reading all week. Damn she boned some fine mens. I woulda liked to bone Robert Mapplethorpe too (I'll get off this gay kick soon, swear, although I did have a conversation with Gandy the other night about a friend of mine he wants to make gayman love to and thinks is a closeted 'mo that resulted in this statement, "I will bet you a hundred dollars- and you will not be a prostitute if you do this- that he won't have sex with you." I opted out, not because I don't think I could do it and not because I couldn't use a hundred dollars worth of tacos and beers, but I was more concerned about...ruining the...friendship? Haha, truth be told, we probs just haven't drank enough wine coolers together yet. Give it some time. Tacos are on me.) but I will settle for Sammy. He reminds me of a cowboy from the wild west? Or maybe I just wish I could rewind to 1970 and write plays and get busy with him. Either way, I am on board the S.S. Shep.

BIRTHDAZE

2011-05-02T18:13:00.000-04:00

Ohhhh shit. Blog is two years old. Happy Birthday, Blog! And cheers to many more. I Got you the same thing as last year; liquored up and laid. I'm too sleepy to come up with anything more than these pictures of random hot dudes, and yes, one's in a bunny outfit.

Kinda Wish I Was A Dude

2011-04-28T00:33:00.001-04:00

As I have said many times, I quite enjoy being a chick. I get that bitches are crazy mostly to all of the time, and I'm not very good at doing girly things like hairbrushing or feelings, but I enjoy it nonetheless. That being said, every once in awhile I find myself daydreaming about certain things that would be better if I were a dude.

Some jokes just work better. I got new glasses that I was pretty stoked on, until I asked my friend Chiara if she maybe thought I looked like a high school shop teacher. She said "yes, but in a good way." Not sure what she meant by that, so I responded with a joke (that was so funny I don't remember it now) about being a shop teacher and molesting kids. And it really didn't go over so well. Women don't teach shop. Same goes for ~~funny~~ inappropriate rape jokes.

Having a mustache would be okay. Guys, it dawned on me recently, after being told by two different friends, that I have a fucking mustache. Maybe from this Winter being so brutal? Or maybe I'm just getting older? Although last I checked I was turning 29, not into an Italian/Jewish grandma. Whatever the reason, I had no idea what to do about it- bleach, wax, thread that shit- wtf. Alls I knew is I didn't want to deal with stubble. Fifteen minutes and a $5 box of Jolen bleach later, I was back to my pre-Burt Reynold's self, but I'm not made of time and money and mustache-bleach. Don't wanna deal.

Farts are funnier. Once my brother was walking upstairs, trailed by his friend Ben. To this day I do not know how he did it, but he managed to fart with every upward step, directly in Ben's face. I think I fell down I was laughing so hard and Ben was miffed as expected, but had to crack a smile. Now, not only would I have been unable to accomplish this, since (call me a sexist) dudes are better at farts than chicks, but the only person I would maybe be able to get away doing this to would be Shanon. Whereareas my brother can pick and choose faces to fart in as he sees fit.

Peeing and periods- need no further explanation.

I could be a gay man. Don't get me wrong, lesbos are great, but being in a relationship with another one of me? The universe would in all likelihood, implode. But being a gay man, sometimes that just sounds like the life. Maybe I am really one of those chicks that is a mo trapped in a woman's body. Although if that's the case, it probs involves a lot of operations and explaining shit to my parents and practicing my "haaaay gurl" and I like being lazy more than I like showtunes, so guess I'm just gonna work with what I got.

Witch-House

2011-04-27T16:18:00.001-04:00

Last night, Gandy introduced me to "witch-house," a genre of music I previously did not know existed. Also turns out that Shanon has written about The Weeknd (witch-house powerhouse) before and I wasn't all that into them (mainly because I am a racist) until he showed me this amazing video that I pretty much can't stop watching.

This video does so many things right, I don't even know what to say about it except that from now on I am doing any and all drugs solely in 80's mom-cleavage form.

4/20

2011-04-20T17:36:00.002-04:00

This day used to get my panties all sorts of bunched when I was in high school. Lame kids would skip and think they were being all clever about it. I mean, I'd skip too, but I also skipped on "Flag Day" or "Secretary's Day" or "Tuesday." But yeah, I generally find people that get super amped about 420 who are not Snoop Dogg annoying. In fact, I don't believe I will even smoke any pot at all today!* What is the code for drunk & disorderly conduct? There's a day I can get behind.

What I have spent the better part of the day thinking about, is what a weed superhero's duties would be and what he'd look like. Here's what I got: To commonfolk, he goes by M. J. Stonerman, but me and 98% of my friends know him as Captain Chronic. No, no- the Bonged Avenger. Or Ganja Man. He goes by many names, allright. So his day job would be working at a movie store or maybe an ice cream store or a bakery (all jobs I had in high school) and he appears whenever you're really stoned and about to get into an unfortunate situation, to lend a helping hand. Like when I thought it'd be a good idea to get high before attempting to talk my way out of jury duty. Which actually kind of worked, due to the judge more or less deeming me retarded and unsure if I was homeless. Or when I showed up all kinds of baked to a midterm without any notes, thinking it was the following week (Don't worry- it was art school. I pulled through). Or when me & Shanon gave her 16 year old family friend bong rips for the first time then when he asked us to walk him to the train so he could find his way back to Brooklyn, I drew him a map instead. Bet Cap'n Chron could have really helped him out of that pickle!

Things he carries around include:
Baby squirtguns filled with Visine to combat bloodshot eyes.
Jetpack that doubles as a mini-fridge, filled with delicious drinks.
Thermos filled with coffee, duh.
Chips. All the chips.
Cat sidekick named Meowi Wowie, because cats are mostly only fun when you're stoned.
Sunglasses.
Box of wine to help even your keel.
Fun toys like Koosh balls or those pin needles things they used to sell at the Sharper Image store, that you press your hand into, you know what I'm talking about, they feel crazy when you press your face on them. These gd things.

I'm not really sure how he helps out in these situations, but summoning him is easy (fire up a blunt, play a Cypress Hill jam and order a pizza) and he sounds fun as fuck to chill with, right. I was gonna draw a picture of Sir Bongingham, and maybe I will regain my motivation to do so later, but as it is, I've been tied up for the past few hours trying to help Gandy decide whether or not to purchase a $8 Dominos coupon.**

*Lie.
**Truth.

The BSC: Where Are They Now

2011-04-19T15:37:00.002-04:00

I should probably preface this post by saying this will only be interesting to chicks, specifically, literate chicks around my age that read the Babysitter's Club Books as a pre-teen. I had a very love/hate relationship with these books. One of those things where I remember thinking this series is dumb, what a mess of losers these girls are, but I think I was really just super jealous because why didn't any of my neighbors want to give me monies to watch their kids, wtf. Then I remembered that it's most likely because I find babies terrifying and was usually out riding my bike and throwing bomber-snaps instead. Things have really...changed in the past twenty years, huh.

That being said, like any other 90's girl-child, I read the shit outta these books. I was a bit of a troublemaker back in those days and therefore got punished (grounded) a lot. When my other best friend (TV) would get banned via punishment as well, I turned to books (cause what parent is gonna risk their kid telling the teacher that her parents banned "reading" at home) so sometimes these bitches were my only friends. This post was meant to be a Where Are They Now dealy, but then I discovered it's way more fun to imagine what 90's movie characters they would have grown up to be instead. Did shit just get meta? Shit got meta. Or maybe I'm just lazy, either way.

Kristy Thomas. Always focused on work? No time for boys? Favors unflattering turtlenecks, baseball caps, mom-jeans and blazers? Sounds a little like someone else I know- Clarice Starling from "Silence of the Lambs." Daddy abandoned her? Broke up with only boif (Bart) she ever had cuz she couldn't return his feelings? Coaches a softball team? Til you are honest with yourself, Kristy, them lambs aint never gonna stop screamin, girl.

Claudia Kishi. Cassandra, "Wayne's World." ZANG.

Mary Anne Spier. I briefly debated Neve Campbell's character in "Scream" for Mary, but she feels less screamy and a little more sadly broken. Enter "Reality Bites" Lelaina Pierce. Of course you pretend you wanna nail the uptight ad exec when everyone knows you're really just waiting for Ethan Hawke to slip you his grungy pickle. It's probably wearing a little flannel and listening to Nirvana and hanging out in a coffee shop too. Waiting for band practice to start. Wait, what was I talking about? Someone pass me that Coke can pipe.

Stacey McGill. Obviously, Diabetes McGee grew up and turned into Sue Ellen Crandell in "Don't Tell Mom, The Babysitter's Dead." I'm sorry guys, but I need a minute to toot my own horn here. Can I just toot my own horn for a minute because I'm hitting these out of the park. Toot toot.

Dawn Schafer. Yeah Dawn, we get it, you love California and want to live on a farm and smoke pot like a dirty hippie. Or! Do you want to usher in the seventies by railing lines and contemplating suicide, due to repressed feeling about getting molested as a child by your father.* Eh, six of one, half dozen of the other, what I'm saying is, take a look in the Jenny from "Forrest Gump" mirror, Dawn. A good, long look.

Mallory Pike. This may have more to do with the red hair than anything else, but I'm gonna go with Thelma from "Thelma & Louise" for old Mal Pal. Or it might be that the Pike family had 8 kids in it and having 7 brothers and sisters would make me want to drive my ride over a cliff too.

Jessi Ramsey. She was the "ballerina" of the group and I know it's not a movie but for the life of me all I can do is picture her as the junkie dancer in this 90's anti-drug commercial. And if you don't remember this from your youth, here's a warning: It gets real.

*Can we petition Ann M. Martin to rename this series "The Daddy Issues Club" because, come on.

Boner of the Day

2011-04-18T13:34:00.000-04:00

Sterling Archer. Is it creepy to find a cartoon hot? Extremely, but hey, I ams who I ams. Just discovered the show "Archer" existed (well technically my brother told me to watch it awhile back, but as the "non-accidental" child in the family, I only listen to him 50% of the time) on Friday....and watched the entire first season by Saturday night. So my boyfriend this weekend was a cartoon, nbd. A cocky, black-out-drunk, slammin-hot, womanizing asshole who makes fun of everything and has a thing for ass-smacking with a ping pong paddle, cartoon. And I've made my peace with that.

Batman Villains; A Boning Breakdown

2011-04-13T17:52:00.002-04:00

Yeah, by Batman Villains I'm talking about the ones from the movies, not comic books because they're boring and not the TV show because I'm 29, not 74. I used to really dig the cartoon and watched that jam after school growing up, but I can't remember a damn thing from that show except the Joker's sidekick (Holly?) and that I totally had an anime-boner for Batman.

The Joker (Jack Nicholson). Definitely gave me nightmares. I was only 7 when this came out and even though I played it cool and rocked a sweet Batman t-shirt almost every day, I'm gonna say that I was scared to watch it again until I was a solid 11 years old. But hey, it's been twenty years and Nicholson's performance in "Something's Gotta Give" is spookier than this shit any day.

The Penguin. Oswold Cobblepot. Ew. Just...ew. I've been sitting here for the past fifteen minutes trying to think of a character from a movie that I wouldn't wanna bone more than the Penguin and I can't. Even Sloth from "Goonies" at least has a heart of gold and is packing rhino-dong, because that dude is a giant in real life, whereareas the penguin is definitely gonna have baby-dick, fupa, breath that smells like a sack of chum, and I'm pretty sure he bleeds black.

Catwoman. The catsuit that launched a thousand boners. Man, woman, or beast, I can't think of a mammal on the planet who doesn't want to knock boots with Catwoman. She carries a whip for chrissakes and is probably the only woman on the planet that lives alone with 14 cats in an apartment with pink walls and none of these things will phase a dude's boner.

The Riddler. Funny dudes make chicks want to throw their panties at them. This is facts. But riddles are like joke's bastard step-children from a previous marriage that you tolerate sometimes but don't particularly want to deal with on a regular basis. If you were boning the Riddler, I feel like around the third time you asked if he remembered to pick up the dry-cleaning and he responded with, "What has four legs but only one foot??" or some shit, you wouldn't even need Batman around because you would stab his eyes out with a fork yourself.

Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones). It's possible I love Two-Face in this because I love any and all actors involved with the movie "The Fugitive," and it's also possible that crazy dudes with multiple personalities keep me on my toes and intrigue me, but I find Two-Face pretty badass. If you cover his zoot-suit-riot-rockabilly-B-list-actress side, him and Drew Barrymore are two slices of a sandwich I wouldn't mind getting in the middle of.

Mr. Freeze. No one wants an Icey Mike. No one.

Poison Ivy. Is this bitch tryna fuck up the Dark Knight or tryna find her glowsticks so she's not late for the rave. All Batman has to do is slip her an E Pill and a K Bump and her days of terrorizing Gotham city with...plants? Are over.

The Scarecrow. Is it me or does anyone else feel like kicking it with the Scarecrow would be just like taking a lot of drugs and not paying for them? If that is in fact the case, then me and the Crow kicked it back on Halloween circa 2000 when I ate all the mushrooms, tripped my face off, and was terrified of "stairs." But hey, free drugs is free drugs, so gracias Scaremigo. The real scariest part about boning this guy is knowing that hidden underneath that bag is Cillian Murphy's beautiful face, which is a crime in itself. The plus side, with that buterface-shield bag on, you could really fantasy-bone anyone you choose.

The Joker (Heath Ledger). Definitely gave me nightmares. I was 27 when this came out.

Two-Face (Aaron Eckhart). all he does is moo around after Maggie Gyllenhall, who I like as an actress, but is a little too gooner-faced for mens like Christian Bale and Aaron Eckhart to be having pissing contests over. Grow some balls, Eckhart-Two-Face! You should have two bitches on the side like TLJ up there and I get that your face got all burnt up but on the bright side you are way less of a do-gooder pussy now, and I'll just always stand on your left and you'll just hit it from the back when we're getting busy. Everybody wins.

Skate Boner Numero Dos

2011-04-11T15:54:00.003-04:00

Well, I meant to post this Boner of the Day video on Friday, but was too hungover to do anything except watch it and alternately, BMX videos. Then I too thought about what my fantasy skate video song would be for a solid portion of the day. Not today though! Today I am getting shit done, thanks to the three naps I took pre-6pm yesterday and then falling asleep at 9:30 at my friend's house while watching "Serial Mom."

But yeah, this video is a double-edged boner-sword because; 1. I can't stop/don't wanna stop watching it and 2. After watching numerous times, I still can't decide who I want to bone more, the skinny skater punk or the buff skater asshole. Or the director! Emile Hirsch is a fucking beau-hunk too, goddammit. Between this mental debate and daydreaming about how I wish it was me that wrote "Serial Mom" instead of John Waters, maybe I haven't gotten as much done today as I thought....
Meh, no matter. Anyways, watch this jam.

Skate Boner

2011-04-08T14:02:00.002-04:00

I'm hungover as balls, my coworker is blaming me for "taking him on a bender last night," I just ate a slice of lasagna that was about the size of my face, aaaaand I'm watching skate videos at work. I just watched this one which is basically just a chat between Panda Bear, Andrew Reynolds, Atiba and Spanky. But it's Panda Bear and some of my favorite skaters talking about music in skate videos! I have always had a boner for that shit. It made me think about what song I would play during my non-existent skate part and the answer is THIIIIIS:

Stoney Movie Reviews

2011-04-07T17:58:00.002-04:00

The other night I watched two terrible movies. The premise of the first was about a super slutty chick who got preg-o and her quest to figure out who the baby daddy is out of all the dudes she banged. And her best friend was played by Ricky of My So Called Life fame. It was really awful. You know how sometimes you do stupid things and the whole time you say to yourself why am I doing this, but at the same time you're powerless to stop it, like when I use the broken corner of my phone to press the elevator button or I eat an entire burrito from Chipotle even though I know it will soon after feel like there is a baby raptor trying to fight a baby Mothra in my stomach. That's how I felt the whole time I was watching this movie. The worst part was, at the end they don't even tell you who the dad is! The moral was she was enough all on her own and didn't "need to know" or some bullshit, which is all well and good until your kid is about 8 and morbidly obese with child-abetes. Betcha then homegirl is gonna wanna know who gave her bundle of joy the fat genes. It was even called something original like "The Dudes I Slept With." And unrelated, but did you know there's a whole website dedicated to spoiling the ends of movies?

The other movie I watched was called "Chloe" and to be honest it was mainly because I wouldn't mind getting to biblically know any of the three main characters and two of them are women (so homo). But about twenty minutes in, I was watching Amanda Seyfried start to get all evil and thought, "this bitch is gonna get pushed out a window." And I was right! Julianne Moore pushed her through a big 'ol glass window at the end. Then I thought, why is this Hollywood's go-to way of killing evil chicks in movies; pushing them through glass or out a window. "The Crush"- out a window. "Hand That Rocks The Cradle" - out a window, onto a picket fence. "Poison Ivy" - pushed off a balcony (almost a window). "Obsessed" - falls through glass table. And that's about as far as I rode on that thought train, before getting off at MFK station with Julianne Moore, Liam Neeson and Amanda Seyfried. Thought I had it figured out; bone Amanda, marry Liam...and I guess kill Julianne Moore?? Then I remembered how good she is in "Boogie Nights" & "Magnolia" and whereareas the only thing Liam's done for me lately is...age well and not have a vagina. Sorry, Jules but you and me have a date with a glass window.

LCD "Afterparty"

2011-04-04T17:43:00.000-04:00

Shanon pretty much covered our experience at the LCD show, in the lawless nosebleed section of Madison Square Garden, hugging ~~strangers~~ each other and telling ~~strangers~~ one another how much we loved them. You'd think the weirdest part of the night would be the creepy pics Shanon #1 took of Shannon #2, but instead of hitting up all the "crazy" afterparties, we somehow found ourselves wandering into a dude's house in Greenpoint....right as he was in the midst of painting his face in the bathroom, and not in a "I'm going to a football game!" way, but more of a "It puts the lotion on the skin" kind of way. And then there were the unicorns.

I was trying to discreetly point out to Shanon how weird I found all these unicorns and I don't think she was getting it until I told her to turn around and look at what was hanging on the wall above us.

Then she pointed out the airbrushed wall art (of a unicorn) and later asked me if I'd noticed the row of My Little Ponies on the windowsill (I had) and the picture on the back of the dude's denim vest (A cobra! Haha, no. It was a unicorn). Around the time I was sharing a cigarette and flipping through 1960 Playboy mags in the bathroom with another face painted dude and Pat Benetar's Godson (truth) had run out of stories, we decided to bounce from the Unicorn Palace and head for my house where we promptly passed out to Roseanne reruns, Budweisers in hand.

LCD Soundsystem

2011-04-04T08:19:00.008-04:00

So we all went to LCD at MSG on Saturday and bla bla bla it was amazing and one of the top 10 fun nights of my life but what I REALLY want to talk about is this crazy chick who was standing next to us. I guess she looked like Sasha Grey (re: porn star). Here are some pics.

Why do I have pics of her, you ask? Well for one, I was on some happy drugs that made me introduce myself to everyone around me. This girl ended up having the same name as me so I might've hugged her a lot. Then she asked me to take pics of her and the dude she was with and send them to her.

But the best part of the evening happened after the show was over and I received the following texts in a row from her as we were leaving MSG:

"Watch 'feast of love' - then call me" (I watched the trailer yesterday. Selma Blair leaves her husband and goes gay in it. This will give you an idea of where these texts are going.)

"I want to know you..."

"I'm serious... If you can meet me tomorrow I would love to. I know you're on X but I know what I feel and I can't ignore it - sorry if I'm too intense xo."

And there you have it. That is the second time I have been hit on by a girl while on mdma. Guess I just put out the awesome vibes? No comment.

Here are two more pics, including the balloon drop and the best pic of me and Jenny I've possibly ever taken.

Stoner Rant

2011-04-01T01:11:00.004-04:00

Before I even start, there's a buzzing in my ear that's slowly going away but goddamn it is annoying. I am stoned. I had something really interesting to say comparing 1984 (which I just read for the first time) and the band that I just saw ...but now it's gone. My friend Lauren tossed her beer into the crowd. And then I tried to do it and I only ended up chucking my bottle at a 45 degree angle into a bunch of people. I threw it really hard. I ended up having to apologize a lot tonight.

But so that book, 1984... It was weird. It felt like I was reading something I should've been reading in high school. There were lines that I read and then thought to myself, "Oh, totally, if I was in high school I would've had to underline this and explain it, but now I'm just gonna skip ahead 3 pages and get this book over with." And that's how I got through George Orwell at the age of 29.

The point of this rant was to talk about Jeff the Brotherhood, actually. Fuck are they a good band. I would've listened to them for 3 hours if they had kept going with the encores. But no more than 3 hours, that's actually dumb. But for them, I would've stuck it out. Jenny slept through this show, and by the logic of "it's far and it's cold out" I definitely agree that she made the right decision. But man they are a great band.

Stoner Shanon out.

Ssssecrets

2011-03-31T15:05:00.001-04:00

I love musicals. If this makes me a gay man, then I'm here and I'm queer because I mean fucking LOVE. No one believes me when I tell them this and I guess I can see why since I have no explanation myself. But singing and dancing and jazz hands? LOVE.

I really don't think anyone gets how many musicals I have attended in my 29 years thus far, so I'll go ahead and name them. Bear in mind that these are only the ones I remember, cause my brain cells are fighting a losing battle over here. Some deserved sidenotes, and the ones marked with a * I attended with my ex-gay-boyfriend who broke up with me last Summer because I ate shrooms (that he gave me) at a renaissance faire we went to for his birthday. True story.

Cabaret
A Chorus Line All time favorite. There is a song in it called "Tits & Ass"!! That I knew all the lyrics to by the time I was 10. Quality parenting, mom and dad.
Phantom of the Opera* Does anyone else have phantom fantasies? PHANTASIES. There has got to be a chat room for this.
Guys & Dolls
Bye Bye Birdie
Hello, Dolly!
Into The Woods
The King & I Acted in this bitch when I was in elementary school. Played an Oriental. Haha no I didn't, that's racist. Played a gook.
Little Shop of Horrors Okay, so not everyone shares my love of musical theater, like an ex boif of mine that I tried to trick into watching "Sweeney Todd" and he straight up made me walk the movie back to the video store and return it, but I really don't think it's humanly possible to hate LSOH. It's about a giant man-eating fucking venus fly trap! And the movie stars Rick Moranis! And why is there no "Spaceballs" the musical?? WTF Mel Brooks, round up your Jew Crew and make that shit happen.
Man of La Mancha
The Music Man
A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum
42 Street* Front row.
Rocky Horror Picture Show A few years ago, Gandy and I went to a movie showing of this in Chelsea. We were not aware that a bunch of high school kids were going to be in front of the screen acting the entire thing out, so we ran across the street to Trailer Park bar and convinced them to sell us reinforcement booze. The rest of the evening's events are hazy and may or may not have ended with me tackling one of the "players" as they ran down an aisle. Theater kids. Shudder.
Fiddler On The Roof
Sweet Charity* This is the funnest shit to dance to, ever. Believe.
West Side Story Sharks! Jets! My dad used to snap his fingers and sing and dance to this to embarrass me when I was in jr. high at the mall and shit, which my friends found hilarious and pretty much made me want to die from embarrassment. Quality parenting.
Camelot More like snoozical.
Lion King* Fun fact- I was supposed to get a bro tat with Shanon the night we had tickets to this and I told her I'd leave at intermission to come meet her. Is it my fault that that show is freaking awesome and so I drank whiskey at intermission instead of leaving and so only one of us has a feather tattooed on their wrist that looks like a baboon's butthole? I think not.
Hair Hippies can seriously suck it. That being said, I'm pretty sure that last night Chris made me pinky promise to go camping at a jam band festival this summer. Damn you, booze, and your powers of persuasion.
Chicago Okay, I haven't technically "seen" Chicago live, but buying the DVD was one of the best things that has ever happened to me and Gandy and you are hearing lies if you hear otherwise.
Xanadu* Few people can claim they saw Xanadu on Broadway and actually sat on the stage during the performance and was a part of the show and they gave you glowsticks and told you to dance at certain parts and yell things at other parts while actors zoomed by on rollerskates. While tripping out. I am one of those few.

Shannie's Music Poo Baw Whatever

2011-03-31T14:01:00.005-04:00

Austin was fun because I hung out with tons of Mexican looking dudes with long hair and tattoos, as well as shithead 21 year old skaters. For those of you that don't know, that is my taste du 2011. But let us not forget the 3rd type, as Chris so poetically put it last night in a text sent from Jenny's phone (you can't trick me, Buns) - "rhino cock is your jam." Indeed. That reminds me also that the other day Gandy made some reference to a freelancer he was working with that I would think is hot. But then he said, "scratch that, he's your type from 3 years ago." BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GANDY?

Anyway, Austin was also fun because it reinjected a love of music into me, which is what it's all about. I guess. It was only my concentration at Gallatin, nbd.

FIDLAR - Max Can't Surf

I love these idiots. First time I met them they told me about how they hid a bunch of drugs on the drive from LA to Austin after remembering the Texan boarder is tough as shit. I love treasure maps!

The Weeknd - House of Balloons

Gandy and I just got into a tiff because he thought I was talking about the awesome punk band, Weekend, and he got his manties in a bunch about the missing "e." Anyway, as my friend Dave put it when referring to this R&B awesomeness, "I like this, but I feel weird listening to it." Racist, but true. I've listened to that whole album about 5 times now and I feel totally comfortable in my white girl skin ...mostly because he samples Beach House. Jokes!

Weekend - Coma Summer

Ok why not throw this band in for shits and giggles. I love some power punk. Not joking. Although I'm not sure if that's an accurate description. Shrug.

Babies - Meet Me In The City

I love this band. A lot. One of them is my coworker's room mate, or some shit like that. Same coworker from the whole mdma experience. So at first that really made me want to hate them, but dammit I can't.

Ok that's it for now. Here's a pic of some shirtless hardcore boys I took at some party or other that left me sunburnt as a bitch.

Mom Texts, WTF

2011-03-31T11:24:00.004-04:00

Jenny's last post about chatting with her Mom reminded me of my own most recent hell - Mom texts. She just got an iPhone 4, which by the way, is annoying in and of itself. The woman used to use her cell phone twice a year last I checked, and that was when she went out of town and had it "for emergencies." Other than that it was turned off. So yeah, now she has a crazy phone and I can't decide what's worse, when we used to speak once a month over the phone, or now when she texts me 20 times a day.

Here are some choice examples:

"Sleep good. I'm going to watch Dancing with the Stars. You know how I am."
"Happy Sat. Are you having a good day?"
"Dearest Shanon, good morning, from your ever loving mother." (I got this text at 6:30am)
"Did those photos go through?" (see below for the photo, so crucial to have received pics of my mom's fat pug at 10pm on a Friday)

...and then there was this gem last night:

"Happy Wed. We had a good time in Reno, didn't win anything but it was good to get away for a couple of days. Uncle Donald is still in the hospital not doing very well, I'll let you know what happens. Egypt is for sure, really looking forward for us all. (Side note: this last sentence is referring to our upcoming vacation to Egypt, over which my mother has been fretting and hoping that "that revolution doesn't get in the way.")

My response to her on this last one was
"TEXT ETIQUETTE RULES MOM: never send bummer news like Uncle Donald dying to me via text, that deserves a phone call. Now I'm just sad at my friends' bday party, what the hell."

2 minutes later I got a phone call in which she called me "dramatic."

Yeah, she's annoying.

Terrible Pickup Spots

2011-03-30T13:30:00.000-04:00

The other day I was feeling complainy and therefore called my mom, because what better way to repay her for the gift of life then by complaining about poor decisions I make, amiright. In particular though, I was bitching about being tired of making out with lame dudes. Her advice was try hanging out at places other than the bar (moms can be funny too, you see) and then she suggested on my days off I "ride my bike to the library." I then asked her why she wanted me to date a homeless man, was it so we could look for jobs in the newspaper (another suggestion) classifieds together, since they'd be doubling as insulation in our cardboard box/love nest? These suggestions were cute, but clearly obsolete and although it's true that I currently do not have internet or a TV at my house for the time being, hanging out at Brooklyn public libraries is not the place to find quality kielbass. Plus I stole a mess of VHS tapes from them back in 2001 and by never going back have since written off as the perfect crime.

Relayed this info to my brother, who told me to start hanging out at the Christian Science Reading Room, where I could find a nice guy to settle down with. Clearly a joke, but I'm sure people actually do this. Stupid people! Who's gonna buy a used car without taking it out for a test-drive first. Oh, Christians.

Then I thought, what about the grocery store. Because sometimes I see bangin dudes at the grocery store and I think about maybe striking up a convo with one whilst in the checkout line...then I look down and see that my basket looks like the first time Tom Hanks goes grocery shopping as a teenage boy in an adult's body, via "Big." Sidenote: The last time I went to the grocery store, my favorite jeans split on the walk over, but do you think that stopped me from buying funfetti cake mix and pancake ingredients, hell naw. Hell naw.

Speaking of "Big," toy stores is another terrible place to pick up dudes. I'm guessing there's way less T. Hankses frequenting toy stores in real life and way more dudes that probs legally don't belong within 200 yards. Or they're married and although there is the possibility of snagging a stray DILF, you better double check your math before hitting it with a hot dad because last time I worked out that equation, me being around kids for longer than twenty minutes/when I'm sleepy/when I'm hungover/most of the time doesn't add up. On that note, if my calculations are correct it is five o'clock somewhere. Jenny out.

SORRY BLOG

2011-03-29T21:07:00.003-04:00

Dear blog,

I sincerely apologize for being so neglectful. It's not you, it's me! I'm just going through a really busy time at work, and well, one day I will learn how to juggle work and blog. I also made this promise to your other mom, Jenny, 'cause boy can she be a naggy bo baggy sometimes.

So for now, please except these pics of hot boys I met at SXSW as further proof of how sorry I am. I definitely wanted to hit a home run with a few, but then went and did mdma with a coworker instead. As a result all required effort to seal deals was redirected to cuddling with said coworker while he rubbed my hair. Sadly, I'm not making this story up.

Sincerely,

Shanon

Boner of the Day

2011-03-29T18:15:00.000-04:00

Stephen Dorff. Last Thursday night got weird, which I guess happens when you take a 100 proof flask of Old Granddad whiskey for a stroll over the bridge. Most of the night's events I thought I remembered, but when I went to look up something on my phone Friday morning and saw my last Google search was, "Where does Stephen Dorff live," a whole 'nother mess of memories came flooding back...including an attempt around 5am by me & Miles to find out where Stephen lives and be-friend him. I dunno whose idea this was, but I do remember having a conversation about him and how he really hasn't been up to much lately (Blade 3??) and that he probably lives in Brooklyn and has some time on his hands and would be way into being our friend. Why we concocted this plan while watching "White Men Can't Jump" is anybody's guess. Said plan was quickly aborted in favor of nachos, but the next day I was watching Roseanne and Stevie popped up again, as Becky's boif Jimmy, like a sign from the God of All Things Nineties.

I am pedo for him back then and the opposite of pedo for him now, since he's older than me. Which I guess just means I want to hit it and who doesn't, look how fine dude is. He's one of those people that "shirts" shouldn't apply to. In fact, let's all take our shirts off, in honor of Stephen Dorff Day (every day for S.D.). Fuck yeah, Stephen Dorff.

Disney Villians, A Boning Breakdown

2011-03-23T17:36:00.000-04:00

Jafar. Guys with goatees, ugh. Think I'd rather do it with a giant blue genie who has the voice of Robin Williams than Jafar.

Ursula. Hell naw. Even if she did manage to steal the voice of a high-maintenance babe like Ariel, it still wouldn't make me want to octo-scissor with Big Urs. But what I really don't get is, if she can take the shape of an attractive woman to trick a prince into marrying her anytime she pleases, why does she choose to kick it in the form of my high school gym teacher instead. Riddle me that.

Scar. We all have an "Uncle Scar" who never got married and lives with his "friend" Sam in San Francisco where they own a flower shop That being said, if he weren't a mo, he'd have to call the pussy patrol to beat the ladies away with a stick with bedroom eyes like that.

Cruella De Ville. I'm just gonna say what we're all thinking here...do the curtains match the drapes?

Gaston. Sure, he has two strikes against him; being French and extremely full of himself (so really just "extra-French") and if I were a betting woman, would put all my money on him being a date rapist, but that being said, yes please. With guns like those, even the ponytail gets a free pass.

Stromboli. Umm, of course he was stoked when Pinocchio became a "real boy." Who wants a chubby full of splinters.

Siamese Cats. Are these guys even villains? I think they're just cats being cats, aka slightly evil at all times. But everyone's got a doin it with twins fantasy buried deep down somewhere amiright? No? Just me? Shrug.

Prince John. I'd be more into the John if Robin Hood wasn't literally such a fox.
Sidebar: Hey Disney, cool it with the evil snake sidekicks. We get it.

Mad Hatter/Caterpillar/Queen of Hearts/Cheshire Cat. Man, everyone is out to get this bitch Alice, huh. Don't the flowers even try and mess with her? She's a girl after my own heart; eating strange cakes that make you feel funny and drinking mystery beverages because the label tells you to, why does everyone gotta hate. In this sitch though, I think what's best is to kick that grinning cat in the junk, ace the Queen of Hearts, steal the caterpillar's drugs and go get weird with the Mad Hatter. Craziest ones are always the best in the sack. It's science.

Missed Connection Responses

2011-03-23T16:05:00.002-04:00

It's been a week since I posted my missed connection on Craigslist and I got ten solid responses. Here they are below, with replies that I never bothered sending, in red.

Wow. That is fucking hilarious. How does a guy get 3 BJ's in 1 night anyhow?
I am an attractive man, but can't hold a candle to that. 1 BJ in an evening is plenty and I would be grateful and satisfied.
Besides, who has that much semen? After blowing your load once, what's the point? You're just going to have a rock hard cock and never orgasm.
BTW - I voted your post for 'best of CL'
Is this dude trying to hit on me? If so, I am all for it. Attractive and satisfied with only one bj per night? Man, all this time I have been doling out beej after beej after beej to what I guess you could classify as men, but are really more like hideous deformed trolls, so SIGN. ME. UP. And how does one get on Craig's "Best of" list anyways.

you're fucking awesome. congratulations on winning the day

This was from a chick named Delia. What're you doing in the WforM missed connections? Get outta here, bitch. After you vote me for Best of Craigs.

2.5

Well. Played.

"That which is said is not necessarily true, only necessary." - Kafka

This response was from someone named "Roark." Whose name is "Roark"? Your parents either hate you and so decided to name you something that is sure to bring you a lifetime of taunts and getting called Dork, or else you named yourself that after some Battlestar Gallactica character in which case your parents still probably hate you, as do I.

stranger...

zero.

yoga classes are paying off.

...frankie

I get what you're doing here, Frankie, and you were very close to being funny, but I just don't know why you submitted this to me in haiku.

this made my morning. thank you whoever you are. i flagged it for the best of craigslist.

Hmm. I keep checking Craig's little pet list and I don't see my post. What gives.

That is the funniest missed connection post I ever read!

This guy sounds like he would say stuff like "You better don't" or "Don't matter none." Get off your front porch and put your shot gun away yokel. But flag me for the best of list, seriously, whose D do I have to S.

I dunno if this is funny or dude just didn't get it. The system really wasn't that complicated.

I was not the guy at the bar but, when people randomly say things like that i also lament on it for days until I can come up with an answer or a joke, but the main thing that you said he said was "last night" meaning it could only have come from one girl OK here is the break down.

Average guy getting one blow job would take 8 minutes non stop if the BJ was great but not ever women is blessed with that sort of talent, so i am just gonna go head and say with breaks 20-25 minutes with sex included 20 minutes(sex equals less times; cums faster or just wants to get out of there depends on the guy) average guy not including the Marathon winners of lasting long.

we can add in foreplay that's 8-10 minutes(I think foreplay is crucial to a great bj so i spend some time there but that's just me), depends again on the guy but he seem like he thinks he is important so he automatically would say hey i don't need to give the 4play but lets just says he does add 1mins now we are up to 21 minutes.

rehab time depends on the guy, see the average guy and again i am saying average guy needs maybe half an hour and the only reason i know is because i asked my hommies whats their re up time on getting a woody and it differs from 15 to and hour so i am going with the half and hour. Now we are up to 36 minutes. "if you wanna add taking a shower getting dressed making up an excused to leave so she does get offended by why your not cuddling or spending more time with her...you know the BS that girls do and say to keep your around. we can add an hour, even so now we are up to 1 hour 36 minutes. times that by 3 and we are at 4 hours 8 minutes and that's just between each bj and that's if each one of them was next door to each other. I didn't add n travel time or any phone calls in between and i gave him the minimum of all estimated time. In reality its just not possible unless you set out that night to just get bjs you would have had to plan it in such a way that your in and out in x amount of time wash then move on. But it just doesn't seem like that was the case it had just to be one girl.

P.S i love your rant it was the best I have ever read in years, It put a smile on my face.

Thank you

Was I supposed to read all of that? Good god. Paging Doctor Snooze. How much time does this dude spend "browsing" the missed connections and responding with 400 word essays and where do I apply for this job. Someone get Craig on the phone.

I have no idea who you are, nor am I the guy you are talking about, but I have to say that is one of the funniest things I've ever read on missed connections. And i would know, I've literally sorted through hundreds of these over the past few months for research for a sketch show I'm writing.

In conclusion, you're my f'ing hero.

Sure, bud, lemme know how that"research" for your "sketch show" is coming along. And did you hear that, Craig? I'm someone's GD hero. So fuck you and your twisted mind games. I could care less about your elitist "best" list and any club that wants me as a member I don't want to be apart of. Go to Hell.

I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean it. Don't be like that.

3BJ's

2011-03-15T16:55:00.002-04:00

And now we play the waiting game. (Click to enlarge)

Pumped

2011-03-15T10:48:00.000-04:00

I woke up this past Saturday slightly hungover and feeling like one of those Garfield posters before he's had his coffee. But the weather was great and so I hopped on my pony and rode to meet my friend Andy who I hadn't seen in three months, due to a slight falling out. And what better way to bury the hatchet than Irish coffee and photo hunt at the Levee bar? About four beer & shot specials in and the fourth highest score on Funky Monkey, we were thick as thieves again. And what do thieves do at 6:30pm on a Saturday? Go to Pumps, the local strip club of course. We rode our bikes there because we're class acts and once inside, realized that we were the only people in the club that didn't work there. Let me add that is was also my first NY strip club experience and I don't think it was their A-team, but what a nice bunch of ladies we met. They all kept telling me not to be shy and asking if it was my first time, probs due to my giggling like a school-girl every time they came over to us. I touched a lot of boobs (homo? no homo?) that night. Then they tried to convince me to work there. We opted out of Nikita's offer to take us in the back room, but not before having a great discussion about the Frito pie we had for dinner at the Levee. All in all, I am pumped on Pumps and look forward to proudly wearing the t-shirt Andy promised me, now that we've decided to become regulars.

OMG THURSDAYS

2011-03-03T15:39:00.002-05:00

JENNY DOESN'T LIKE LIL' WAYNE!! OR CUCUMBERS!!

These two things will NEVER cease to baffle me, and then wonder what the hell kind of best friend I actually have.

Tip: put this on full screen immediately.

Dying Wishes

2011-03-01T13:02:00.003-05:00

Last night I took the stinkiest cab ride home of MY LIFE. It was some serious next level funk. I don't recall exactly what I said, but I know I was very put out with the cabbie and put my head out the window, gagging for air. Then I texted my coworker that I had just left, "if this stinky dude kills me, Jenny knows my dying wishes." I'm not really sure why I thought the guy would kill me (ie did I think the stench would suffocate me? Or was I so rude to this guy that I thought he would kill me with his bare hands? The world will never know), but more importantly, Jenny in fact does NOT know my dying wishes. Here they are, please make sure she sticks to them.

1. Only Creedence is allowed to be played at my memorial service. At first I was gonna go with the Mac, but that is just straight up depressing. I want people to party and remember how awesome I am/was. Preferably this song should be on repeat.

2. Following the memorial service I would like Jenny to host a sandwich dinner in my honor. There should be hoagies, Vietnamese sammies, grilled cheeses, etc. No paninis though. Can't stand those bitches.

3. Jenny is in charge of doling out my possessions. No ifs ands or buts. Gandy made a prior request for all of my books but since that dude no-showed on my birthday and has yet to speak to me (AHEM), he is no longer allowed. I think I will give them to ...charity.

4. Everyone must get Red Velvet tattoos. These can be in any form my buddies see fit. A classily placed RV on the ankle is just as good as an actual slice of the cake on someone's butt.

5. For every February 20th after my death, everyone must get together and drink champagne while watching Star Wars. The original 3. All in a row.

LKPF #5 & 6

2011-03-01T00:39:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure why I am just now getting around to posting this, but two weeks ago, I went with my friend Eric to check out "Phil Collins Day," which is apparently on February 15th. Was it Phil's birthday? No. I'm not really sure why the parade took place. Did we both wear our Phil Collins tour t-shirts, thinking we were gonna kill shit? Yes. We both have one, and they rule. Were we expecting a brass band playing "Billy Don't Lose My Number" while a midget danced in the street wearing a black & white xeroxed Phil mask and a car drove down the street with a 5 foot tall paper mache sculpture of Phil's head strapped to it and an after party at a bar where his tour videos were played and we drank Phil Collinses in lieu of Tom Collinses? You tell me.

In honor of this epic day that my brain has taken a solid two weeks to process, I give you Little Known Phil Facts numbers 5 & 6.

MFK Cereal Edition

2011-02-25T15:29:00.003-05:00

Marry, Fuck, Kill:

Frankenberry, Booberry & Count Chocula
Well, I'm gonna say marry the count because counts have a lot of moola amirite? And you can't kill a vampire, even a homosexual, chocolate-loving one, cause they already dead. Hmm, guess you can't kill Booberry either then. But Boo looks kind of like an asshole (and stoned, thumbs up) and chicks dig that. The solution to this one is marry the count and have fabulous dinner parties with chocolate fountains, bone down in ghost town, then kill that fat fuschia turd of a Frankenberry because he's worthless.

Cap'n Crunch, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Chef & Cookie Crook
Piece of cake: Marry the Chef, duh. Being fat and well fed is what marriage is all about, no? Then let the Cap'n dock in your port, sailors are only in town for a night anyways just make sure you double bag his periscope. And I guess this means you would have to kill the cookie crook, which is a bummer, as Cookie Crisp is my favorite cereal, but looking on the bright side, you'd probs get a sweet reward and free cookies for life from all the bakers he's been jacking since the 80's.

Lucky the Leprechaun, Tony the Tiger & the Trix Rabbit
As much as I have a thing for red-heads, kill that stingy Mick and his pot of gold. lucky Charms is a mean cereal. Sneaking in that Cheerio-knockoff bullshit when all anyone really buys it for is the marshmallows. You know how many brutally senseless fights have taken place between siblings when one eats all the marshmallows and leaves the cardboard-tasting refuse in the box? Many. In this scenario, whatever you do, don't marry that rabbit. If there's one thing rabbits know how to do, it's procreate. You will be prego ma-lego on the reg-o. Bone the rabbit, sure, but maybe have your uterus removed first. Then marry Tony! Now there's a real man. Fuckit, just marry Tony and have him eat the other two. Don't even deal.

Toucan Sam, Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Bird & Dig 'Em the Smacks Frog
First off, who wears a striped turtleneck with no pants and why would General Mills think this is a good look for a cereal mascot. Way to teach kids to trust "cuckoo" pantsless dudes running around yelling about how much they love cocoa. Kill that fucker. You know what, I think I would marry Toucan Sam. He seems sensible and happy-go-lucky, but check out that bill! He's got a wild streak in him. But will make sure the kids get to bed at a reasonable hour. Sam would never mind being the designated driver and never judge or berrate you for getting too drunk at the company party or that one time you took a swing at the Morton Salt girl. No good whore. And Dig 'Em would be an easy lay. Just go to the local dive bar on any Tuesday and you'll find him pumping quarter after quarter into the jukebox and if you time it right and give a nod towards the bathroom in the back when "Young Turks" comes on, he'll follow you in and lay out a coupla lines on top of the toilet tank and tell you about back in the days when kids cereal was pure sugar, man, not this tree-hugging Kashi bullshit parents are feeding their beatnik kids nowadays and you'll slowly take his hand and lead him to his '89 Camaro in the parking lot behind the 7-11 and the windows will steam up for three brief, shining moments and over the sounds of "Maggie Mae" blaring from the juke, the bartender will swear he heard a raspy voice yell into the night, "GOTTA HAVE MY POPS."

Props to Mike for this photo!

Sssssssssecrets

2011-02-25T15:24:00.002-05:00

Not many people know this, but I am a classically trained pianist. Not making this up. My grandma is holding onto my piano in SF, but I also have one in Brooklyn courtesy of my old room mate Marisa's parents. I shit you not when I say I was good. Fuck my grandma for making me practice an hour everyday, but by the end of my sojourn I was playing solo concerts. NBD! I remember my mom invited her hair stylist (ie permist) to one of those concerts and she cried ...because my delicate fingers made such sweet beautiful sounds.

This past Tuesday I was feeling blue, and so decided to buy some sheet music from electronicbay.com. 'Cause who doesn't love playing the piano when they're sad? Guess what arrived in the mail yesterday! I spent an hour playing Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata and some Chopin. And guess what? I still got it. For those of you that doubt my abilities, this is the Chopin I was playing. I can still play it with my eyes closed. Well ok not really. But I'm available for private parties.

My Theme Song

2011-02-25T12:08:00.004-05:00

Shanon sent an email out to me, Chris & Nicky:

Shanon: Jenny's theme song!
Chris: Hahaha. Is it cause Jenny is a jerk? I think I get it.
Jenny: And also I look like a muppet. MAN I'm stoked to go to this show!!
Chris: Me as well. I am so stoked. It's gonna rule. I am gonna dance my self clean. See what I just did.

I used the song title to describe my actions. It a little thing I like to call humor.

Jenny: I'm gonna poop my pants with excitement. It's not a song title. It's a fact.

Chris: Beat you to it.

Jenny: You know, as twilight was setting in this evening, I went up to the roof to enjoy the last drag of my finest Guatamalean cigarillo and watched the light glinting off the smog dusted cars shooting down the BQE, a familiar scent wound its way through my nostrils amidst the bitter winter breeze and I tilted my head towards Clinton Hill and nodded to myself as the wind whispered......Christoban.
Shanon: Ew, please stop. Or take me off this chain.

Boner of the Day

2011-02-24T15:54:00.002-05:00

Pete Cashmore, the 26 year old CEO of Mashable.com. Smart, rich, beautiful and SCOTTISH. Someone brought him up in a meeting the other day and everyone was all "Oh yes yes, Pete Cashmore this and that." I had to play dumb until I could get back to my computer and look up who the hell this dude is. Shwing! Thank you google image search.

Ecstasy, a blessing and a curse

2011-02-24T14:38:00.007-05:00

Up until last summer I hadn't done this evil little fabulous drug for over 10 years. I figure that's enough time to open that flood gate again. But only on special occasions. Like Chris' bday in January. And my birthday 4 days ago.

For Chris' bday we all went to go see Oberhofer. And apparently, once the mdma kicked in, no one could remember this fact other than Shanon and Jenny. Nicky kept yelling at us that we were going to be late, and as soon as the cab dropped us off at the venue, promptly declared she wasn't getting out of the car, and why would she since she didn't know what we were doing. Then when the band started actually playing, Chris turned to me and shouted, "Who's this loud band?" Hell of a drug.

For my bday, we kept it civilized. Coq Au Vin for 12 people ...mdma and apple pie for dessert. As you can imagine, things digressed quickly. The hours between 12 and 4am are pretty hazy, but Jenny just reminded me that we put one of the red plastic table cloths on the floor and turned it into a runway. I immediately jumped up and did a runway walk/jig to Rod Stewart. Then everyone else refused, claiming "too much pressure." I also yelled out (multiple times) I LOVE YOU GUYS, and I FEEL AMAZING RIGHT NOW. I don't even remember Wes licking my double toe, but apparently that happened. And my buddy Ryan (1st time doing ecstasy) just kept saying, "Jenny was right - blast off." Then eventually we all passed out. The end.

Now to the curse part. Man does that shit make me feel like poo. I stayed curled up in bed all day Monday (uhthankyou 3 day weekend), and yesterday was STILL fucked up. My coworker was totally supportive when he told me I looked like shit. I also had to go to a work dinner Monday evening with a client in town from Germany. I almost fell asleep at the table, and so my other coworker took over by getting drunk and asking us all to call him "Detective Meatball."

Great drug. Dangerous PMS side effects.

Shannie's Music Poo Baw Whatever

2011-02-24T13:17:00.003-05:00

First of all - Sufjan Stevens? I need to keep Jenny away from the boners because she has the taste of a 12 year old gay boy and apparently also loves religious nuts. Dude is way Catholic. BONERKILLER.

But anyway, my music installment today is about my hangover cure du jour - Punk slow jams. Just what the doctor ordered. Here are my favorites.

Against Me - Violence. Sweet mother is this song good.

The Replacements - Adrogynous. I think Alex Chilton might be a boner of yesteryear. He was pretty fugs but I would've hit that shit so hard.

Jay Reatard - Hammer I Miss You. RIP. Last October I made out with his drummer ...High five?

iChat Dad Jokes

2011-02-24T09:59:00.000-05:00

Been knocking these outta the park lately.

Boner of the Day

2011-02-23T14:14:00.000-05:00

Sufjan Stevens. Yesterday was an emotional day for me, which I blame on the four-day weekend I had. Three day weekends are key, do you know how much better the world would be if we all worked four days instead of five? Three days lets you get everything done and get all your partying in and catch up on sleep and then you feel ready to go back to work on Tuesday (cleverly dodging the Monday bullet) because you're all booyah, only three more days to go until Friday, maybe life is worth living after all. But four days is too much. You acquire a taste for your new-found freedom and are hungry for more. You probably saw too much of your friends and now have separation anxiety and can't understand why you're drinking coffee at your desk at 3pm instead of drinking wine in the park and having stick-fights.

My yesterday in a nutshell. Tried to be productive and do some work last night, but somehow only managed to listen to Sufjan Stevens "The Age of Adz" on repeat. And the motivational one-hitter I packed seemed to have a reverse effect and led to google image searches of said baberino (Um, hello baby Clive Owen) and then I had to google who he was dating and found a dispute over his sexual orientation was afoot. But I care not. Homo or Nomo, pencil me in for all the makeouts. And today I am feeling much more upbeat. Even listened to punk all the way to work this morning. Okay fine, it was Fleetwood Mac. Fuck you.

Can't. Stop. Watching.

2011-02-19T14:33:00.004-05:00

It's Saturday. I don't have the flu, and I'm not at work. Fucking great day. I'm also pretty stoned. And this trailer on full screen is amazing.

Oh, Vegas

2011-02-17T17:59:00.004-05:00

As I mentioned previously, I was just in Vegas for the 4th time in 2 years. I've basically gotten it down to a science at this point and my trip wasn't as horrendous as I was anticipating. So now it's Shanon 1, Vegas 3. I'm catching up!

Aside from the fact that I was on dayquil the whole time, I quite enjoyed myself getting drunk and hanging out with menswear babes. Highlights include:

- Telling off some menswear bloggers. Have you ever had to hang out with these guys? They are the worst! I got drunk and spit off the balcony of this joint (pic below) then turned to one and blurted out "You live with your parents, don't you!" He got all butt hurt and asked why I would think that and I said, "Because you live in Ottawa and write for a blog." Zing! Then I bounced. We all know how tactful I am.

- Eating cake and wine for breakfast. A client texted me to see if I wanted to meet up and I said no because I was too busy eating the below pic. Saleswoman - I am she.

- Hung out with a dude I once kicked out of a cab. As in yelled at the cab driver to pull over and then told him to get the fuck out immediately ...who turns out is now a client. Success, my reputation proceeds me.

- Tried to "pass that torch" if you will, to a junior employee by showing them my email response to a client who said they couldn't give me money. That response? "Fuck you." To be fair I was drunk and don't remember writing it.

- Made out with my coworker's client! This dude is such a babe. And my coworker loves me even more as he is now going to "dangle me" out there for the next time said client is in town. I will do whatever it takes to close business.

Any Day Now...

2011-02-17T16:41:00.000-05:00

When you're a little kid, you know how you have these notions in your head that you just think will automatically happen one day? Here are some of my yet to be realized childhood presumptions.

Would have been on (and won) The Price Is Right. Watching this show was my favorite part about staying home from school when I was sick. I cared not about winning a curio case to store my Hummel collection, but that was just a stepping stone on the way to the Winnebago I would obvy win in the showcase showdown and then park in my parents driveway to live in, when I wasn't having cross country adventures, that is. The closest I came to being on that show was playing Gandy's plinko set he bought on eBay. But between this and Supermarket Sweep, I probably knew more about grocery prices than a coupon-clipping single mother of four.

Would be living in a hotel. I blame this on that bitch Eloise and those kids books about her living at the Plaza. But damn, how much easier would my life be if I were heir to a hotel empire. This would enable me to live out my crazy rich person fantasy of sleeping on fresh sheets every night and I could also fulfill my new resolution to get served breakfast in bed more, without having to deal with crumbs in the sheets for days because I'm too lazy to change them. Too bad the last hotel I stayed at was in Albany and so ghetto that it somehow snowed INSIDE our room.

Would have a video on America's Funniest Home Videos. What kid didn't watch Bob Sagat announce the winner of that sweet $10,000 prize and think to themself "What a gyp, this is so rigged" because you know in your head you were thinking they only gave it to that stupid video about the laughing baby because the family is from Podunk, Alabama and now maybe the kid will have a college fund or at least a sweet new ATV, but really the dude getting hit in the nuts with a wiffle bat was way funnier and as soon as I get a video camera I'm gonna make a video so amazing that it will HAVE to win. By now I at least thought I'd have captured one of Shanon's hilarious tooth-losing mishaps or even when she dropped the entire Thanksgiving turkey onto her legs, but the best I've gotten so far is us drunk and eating pizza while dancing.

Would have a song written for me. Making "beautiful music" with dudes in bands is really more up Shanon's alley (see what I did there) than mine, but I'm seriously considering becoming a groupie because I definitely assumed I'd have at least one song written for me by now. Especially since all the songs about Jennys are terrible. Not that I don't enjoy giving out 867-5309 as my number to drunk dudes, because that shit never gets old, but let's face facts, that song is about a man struggling over whether or not to call a hooker.

Real Talk

2011-02-17T11:36:00.002-05:00

The other day, Chris and I were talking about what to talk about (sometimes we run out) and I asked what dudes talk about and he said guys really don't have all that much to say to one another. There's apparently about five topics:

1. Stupid shit they did.
2. How fucked up they got.
3. Fishing.
4. Trying to get laid.
5. That one time they got anal.

We then started (jokingly) naming things girls talk about, like; rainbows, makeup, ponies, periods, periods, periods, dreams, butterflies, etc. Chicks! What gives.

So this past Sunday I had a babes only brunch, which turned into a serious day drunk and then inevitably, karaoke. After relaying Chris's insider tidbit, my friend Bianca kept a running tally of things we discussed throughout the course of the day/eve:

Cats, hair, Indian names, getting drunk, boys, cookies, accessories, dogs, parties, dancing, our other friends, TV, Katy Perry, dudes, karaoke, sex, bouncing on a trampoline, hair, singing, Phil Collins, sexy babies, massages, music, boys, karaoke, doing drugs, doing drugs, peer pressure, doing drugs, punch, punching, Hana foods sandwich names, sandwiches, Miami, Haiti, our friend Nick, jobs, cats, weed, cougartown, Mandy Moore, the east village, Ryan Adams, Bryan Adams, first dates, karaoke, money, bars, hip hop, looks, karaoke, SOUP, lunch, eating out, Italian food, snow and cars, Juan, headshops, soberness, celibacy, cookware, grammar.

Sigh.

Agreed, Fuck You Valentine's Day

2011-02-15T16:05:00.001-05:00

Normally, I really like Valentine's day, mostly because it has my favorite things; candy, punny cards, presents, getting hammered and regrettable make-out decisions. But this year, my V-day consisted of; a hoarse throat (thank you, karaoke hangover), staying late at work with a gay designer (no make-outs, we discussed our fave East Village gay bars), Chinese food on my couch (allright, that part kinda ruled), and then passing out from exhaustion during Gossip Girl (which comes on at 9pm).

And the only valentine requests I had received were from my office building's doorman (who alternately offers to take me shopping at Deisel or buy me a beef patty and take me to live in Jamaica and be his queen) and the parking lot attendant next door (I accepted). Then a package came for me in the mail (presents!) and I got all essited and opened it only to find the new glasses I'd won on ebay...which are definitely meant for a small child's head.

Oh, and this was my fortune, a valentine's message telling me to not give a shit and settle. See you next year, V-day (jerk).

Valentine's Day - Fuck You

2011-02-14T18:50:00.005-05:00

Normally I don’t give a shit about Valentine’s Day (regardless of whether I’m in a relationship or not), but this one is really beginning to piss me off. First of all, I’m on my way to Las Vegas after just getting over the flu. Yesterday was a big enough day for me already – after 4 days of hanging out on the verge of death in the same sweat pants and nasty shirt, I finally took a shower and went for a walk.

And the fact that I’m currently on my way to a city I loathe... I dunno, it just seems cruel. Las Vegas blows! And knowing me I’m going to be forced by clients to do all sorts of drugs and hang out with strippers then go home with the bubonic plague.

But the point of my story is that RIGHT NOW (you’ll probably read this after the fact) there is a nasty ass couple sitting next to me on the plane practically having sex with one another. This woman with drawn-on eyebrows is full on grabbing this old bald guys dick with her fake press on nails.

Oh, and this was after I was on the L train earlier and some mexi-teens were all PDA and the girl was holding a rose and a gift bag from Victoria’s Secret. What 16 year-old buys his girlfriend panties!!

But I'm not joking when I say this couple is going to haunt my dreams. I read an entire book on the flight just to have something else to think about (and between you and me, "Never Let Me Go" is a real zzzzzz fest). I am officially traumatized.

Sex Date

2011-02-11T16:07:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine, who we'll call "Whitey," made out with this dude once or twice and decided it was high time they got on board the Doing-It Express. But you know how when you wait for something to happen for so long and all this pressure builds up and you get really nervous? Well that's what started to happened and so she asked me for some "sex lessons." I told her "lots of beej's" and have been making fun of her ever since.

Shanon actually coined the phrase "flexting" and man, nothing makes me cringe more than hearing other people's sexty conversations. Chris read some sexts once that his friend wrote me and I am still living that shit down. Awkward.com.

The big day!

...And the aftermath.

Boner of Yesteryear

2011-02-08T17:38:00.001-05:00

James Caan. I recently watched the ending of "Rollerball" on Youtube and am now waiting for that Netflix jam to show up in my mailbox because Jimmy Caan used to be a fox and a half. I would "Misery" that ass too, back in the Roller-day. And I hear he's pretty good in that "Godfather" flick, although I have never seen it and don't want to hear any guff about this, as I will get around to it when I see fit. For now, I am happy to pitch lady-tents for bathtub Caan pics and Playgirl covers.

Fuck Football

2011-02-04T15:19:00.003-05:00

I could give a shit! But I am highly involved in this battle between Wiz Khalifa and Lil' Wayne. HIGHLY. I think I'll have to give it to Wayne cause, duh, he's amazing, but because "I'm a cheese head, y'all niggas cheese whiz" is the best line ever.

Friday Musings

2011-02-04T14:36:00.002-05:00

I've really been hitting the one blog a week mark but ehhhh, fuck it. As Jenny told me earlier - "you hate effort!" It's totally true.

And in keeping with that spirit, let's all just sit and watch this video, shall we?

Some choice quotes I've gotten so far:

"So dumb, unless they cut a hole and take a dump in it. It looks like a portapotty."

"WTF is wrong with Germany."

"I whole heartedly disagree with this shit if it is real."

And then there was this gem.

Serious Bummers

2011-02-04T12:54:00.000-05:00

Did I once make a hilarious That's What She Said joke in the middle of a fight with a boyfriend about how I don't take things seriously enough? Yes and I'd do it again, but some people are way too serious about shit all the time. Like these dudes.

-Vegans. If anyone has their panties in a perma-bunch, it's vegans. And I think maybe it's because cheese is right up there after sex & booze as best things ever and they're bitter about not being able to eat, much like I would be. And I don't blame them, being a vegan aint easy, if I don't eat cheese for one day I am pretty damn impressed with myself. Cheese is so good that my lactose-intolerant friends risk shitting their pants and being bloated for a week for it. Hence vegans being uptight about any and all things.

-Serious cyclists. I love my bike. It takes me places, it is fun and most times the only exercise I get. I ride at a reasonable pace but sometimes I like to cruise around slow and stoney baloney style and serious bikers (you can tell who they are by their head to toe spandex) really dislike this. I know because they yell shit at me like "ride single file!" or "that was a STOP sign!" and "don't ride drunk!"
and if we were on the Tour De France, sure, but riding on the West Side Highway on a Sunday, not so much, bud.

-Professional dancers. Well, maybe not strippers. I don't imagine they take themselves very seriously at all. But I can see ballerinas and modern dancers being some serious folk. Have you seen "Black Swan?" Me neither, but I did see "Dirty Dancing" and nobody puts baby in the fucking corner.

-People way into yoga. They always think they're better than me and are usually same people who say "my body is a temple." But people who take yoga too seriously tend to lean towards the crazy side. If I'm aspiring to be any kind of Yogi, you can be damn sure it's the kind that steals picnic lunches and rolls with a sidekick named Boo Boo.

-Serious DJ's. Um, everyone and their Mom is a fucking DJ nowadays (minus my Mom, she can only sometimes operate the CD player in her car) and thanks to the internets, every song is available to everyone, always. So play some gahdamn Genesis and get over yourself.

-People way into their cars. Sure, cars are nice and expensive and useful sometimes, but don't get all bent out of shape if I want to eat Taco Bell in your car or accidentally spill my Slurpee, that's what cars are for; drive thrus and 7-11 trips! And I enjoy riding through the carwash as much as the next person, but as for obsessively cleaning and waxing your whip, get over it, it's just gonna get dirty again. The only car I will be impressed by is a limo and that's mostly because I have yet to get busy in one and I'm almost 30 and a life without goals is just not worth living.

Happy February

2011-02-01T11:47:00.000-05:00

Things I'm sick of: Snow, not enough room on the sidewalks because of snow, ice, cabin fever, slush puddles, snow, all boots destroyed, wet-sock-foot, snow, everyone looking fat, no bike-riding, snow, garbage piled on top of the snow, wondering when I'm going to slip and bust a tooth, snow, Old Man Winter butt-effing the city on a weekly basis, snow, running out of netflix watch instant because I have watched all the movies ever since I am a hermit now. Oh and I'm really over this snow bullshit.

That being said, Gandy sent me this video and it has been melting my cold frozen heart. Goodbye wintry-mix weather forecast, hello underage Brazilian babe daydreams. How do you say "no pedo" in Portuguese?

Traumatizing Food Related Occurrences

2011-01-28T16:57:00.003-05:00

This whole raisin and butthole kick got me thinking of food related traumedies I had as a child. Allow me walk you through them.

Chinese food - The first time I ever ate chinese food was at this place called China Palace in SF (doesn't exist anymore). It was all purple on the outside and the decor kind of freaked young Shannie out. I went with my mom and her friend and they were all trying to get me stoked on weird food I'd never eaten before. They asked me if I wanted pot stickers and I was enthusiastically gung ho for it. Imagine little Shanon's anger upon getting the food and realizing it was NOT, in fact, a pot full of cool stickers. Fuck you Chinese food.

Cherries - The first time my mom ever gave me these she brought me two bowls. I had no idea what she was smoking. Two bowls? Who needs that. I ate all the cherries and they were delicious. When my mom came back and asked where the pits were I was confused. Pits? So yeah, that's what the spare bowl was for. Try pooping out a dozen little pellets and see how much you like it.

Constipation - This isn't food related, per se, but I guess I wasn't eating enough fiber the first time I was ever constipated. I was sitting on the toilet for well over half an hour when I finally freaked out and screamed for my mom. "It won't come out! What's wrong with me, it hurts!" was what I said. She rolled her eyes, told me I was constipated and to get over it. Thanks, Mom.

Sharing - I'm an only child and fuck you if you wanted something young me was eating. One time my mom's friend came over when I was eating some strawberries. She asked for one and I said no. Then my mom told me I better give her some or else. That's when I made a break for it and locked myself in the bathroom ...with the strawberries. I was crying hysterically while eating them. Very confusing emotions for a little girl. That's probably why I eat my feelings sometimes (not gonna lie I had two breakfasts this morning).

Sneaky Foods

2011-01-28T16:17:00.001-05:00

Allow me, if you will to state my case against raisins. It's not so much the raisins themselves that bother me, as I will eat them plain from time to time, no problemo. As I told Shanon, it goes deeper than that. We then had the following conversation:

As I was saying, my problem is not with raisins themselves, it's that raisins are one of those foods that always show up, but is never invited to the party. Other foods in this category include: celery and bell peppers, which is why these foods top my most hated list. Just the other day I bought a muffin that had all the ingredients listed, oat bran, apple, bla bla bla. I start eating it and a raisin jump-kicked my tongue in the fucking face! Then I had to spend the next fifteen minutes picking them all out because no way is any food gonna tell me what to do. Same with celery being automatically included in all tuna and egg salad sandwiches and soups that I don't make myself and yet it's never listed as being an ingredient. And good ruck ordering a vegetarian dish from a Chinese restaurant that doesn't include red & green peppers. Even when I ask them to name every vegetable that comes in the dish, peppers never get listed so I guess one creates a diversion right before the chef puts the lid on my delivery container and the peppers slip into my takeout.

And there you have it. I never put any of those foods up my butt. I choose my choices, is all.

Why I Love Raisins

2011-01-28T15:28:00.002-05:00

So Jenny has a real problem with raisins, much like she does bananas. I've kept my trap shut about this over the years, but no longer! I. Love. Raisins. I put them on everything and have yet to come across a meal that isn't made better by that shriveled up little grape.

Meatballs, better with raisins! Cookie, duh. In fact, all baked goods are pretty much pure gold with raisins in 'em. Oatmeal, please, put some raisins in that shit. Salads, you bet. Cous cous, yummier with currants AND golden raisins. The other day I sauteed up some kale and thought to myself, "Why not put some currants in this too?" And guess what? Delicious!

Raisins, I love you. Plus you might keep me regular? I can't remember is this is true or not. But most dried fruits give me the farts soooo... you do the math.

No ¿Comprende?

2011-01-28T14:49:00.001-05:00

Here is something that never ceases to boggle my mind grapes- people who don't give a shit about food. Especially since as far as Things I Think About Most go, food is for sure in the top three. I care so much about what I eat, always! Sometimes I fall asleep at night thinking about what I'm going to eat for dinner the next night so I can plan my breakfast strategy accordingly. Or I will be at my desk, look at the clock and have a slight panic attack if it's 12:30 and I haven't put real thought into my lunch decision. And as Shanon can attest, shit gets serious if I haven't eaten in over five hours or so.

My buddy Jon, who I spent about 72 hours straight with last weekend, is one of these people whose indifference to food I just can't comprehend. I've found it to be a blessing and a curse:

Blessing. I always get to pick! Me: I want to walk for twenty minutes in six degree weather to get an awesome sandwich. Him: No problem! Me (following day): Let's get another sandwich! And a box of Kraft mac 'n cheese with a cookie for dinner! Him: Thanks for cooking, baby!
That's what I'm talkin' about.

Curse. Sometimes I need a sounding board to bounce ideas off of. What if I think I want tacos and then someone else says they want Thai food and so I see the error of my ways? Eating food I'm not in the mood for is almost as bad as a dude who's a snooze in the doing it department. Oh, and Jon really wasn't siked about the twenty minute sammie expedition. Shrug.

Creeper Hangovers, Fuck You

2011-01-28T14:05:00.002-05:00

I didn't think I got that drunk last night but apparently I did. I walked myself home in the slush around midnight after eating one chorizo taco that cost $3.25. My first ichat this morning from the buddy I was with? "That taco was a butt blaster." Jokes on him cause it didn't hurt my butt one bit. However I DID drunk dial my 19 year old cousin and chat with him for a while about video games that I know absolutely nothing about. The fact that I even know what "third-person shooter" means makes me feel... shit I don't know I'm hungover.

Anyway, creeper hangovers! What a piece of poo. I had to watch a band last night who's guitar player kept his eyes closed the whole time and whose lead singer reminded me of Will Farrell's college prof character on SNL. The one who was married to Rachel Dratch and said "LOVAAAHHH" all the time. Shit no wonder I got so drunk.

Little Known Phil Fact #4

2011-01-26T22:41:00.001-05:00

It is thundersnowing outside and I just saw lightning. Was chatting with a buddy about what a good jam "Don't Lose My Number" is, which reminded me...

One of Those Days

2011-01-21T17:13:00.000-05:00

Where I bought some milk for coffee and found out that we're out of coffee here at the office so I say well I'm going to the Starbucks and my boss is all I don't have any cash and so I say don't worry and he then orders a five dollar drink and in line the dude in front of me is on his cell phone talking loud and bumping into me then proceeds to apologize and ceaselessly hit on me until he gets rung up and is accidentally overcharged sixty cents and makes the cashier refund his card and it takes so long that I eventually hold out a handful of change to him and say there is more than sixty cents here buddy, seriously and hope that he feels like a jackass but then while I'm putting milk in my coffee he hits on me again and that was one of the lesser annoying things that happened today.

And this was the best.

(Thanks, Gandy)

Boner of the Day

2011-01-20T10:55:00.000-05:00

Romain Duris. Not gonna lie, I spent my second day of being 29 more or less laying around, due to a few too many hugs and two-fer-Tuesday drinks on my birthday. So, yesterday was all about eating spaghetti in bed and rom-coms, including one called "Heartbreaker" that stars this adorable froggy.

Dunno where they been keeping this guy (France?) but I will make all the babies with him. Mais oui.

Happy Birthday Jenny!

2011-01-18T11:36:00.005-05:00

Today is my lady's bday, holler. Most of the time she annoys the shit out of me but over the past 10 years we've had some great photo ops. I would say I love her or something but that shit is gay. You suck, Jenny.

And just because I like to give her a laugh, here's the very last text I sent to a boy I like last night (we had met for only 5 minutes and found out we have a friend in common. Then I texted said mutual friend and made him give me hot dudes number): "Ryan Gosling's band is putting me to sleep. I make a great falling asleep mix. Shut up."

I'm available boys.

Boner of Yesteryear

2011-01-11T16:54:00.000-05:00

Mickey Rourke. Yes he is a terrifying mutant now, but around 30 years ago, he looked like Stephen Dorff and Bruce Willis and Robert Downey Jr. had the unlikeliest of threesomes and produced this sexy mess. Who grew up to be crazy as a loon. All actors should try their hand at professional boxing at some point during their careers, that way I might actually be able to consider a weiner like Shia LeBoeuf a babe if I watched him give his all in the ring versus the dude from The Green Mile or some shit. He would lose the fight, but gain my respect.

But yeah, Mickey Rourke, let's build you and me a time machine. Although truth be told, I'd do it with his character in "Sin City" too.

Spirit Animal

2011-01-11T16:45:00.006-05:00

The other day we were talking about spirit animals and when I said I didn't know what mine was, someone (French Canadian Tyler? Chris?) called bullshit. Apparently everyone is supposed to know what their spirit animal is... Right. So here are my options.

Grizzly Bear
I'm feeling the whole hibernation, live in Alaska, eat a shit-ton of salmon thing these guys have going on. Plus they're pretty grumpy. Me and the grizzly bear are sympatico.

Crow
These guys are wicked smaht. They talk to each other and like to play practical jokes. I brought my love for crows up the other day and Jenny said I was just saying that cause I loved the movie, The Crow. Also totally true! She got my number.

Orca
I have mixed feelings about this shit. When I was a kid I was chubs and some little bitches liked to call me "Shamoo" (which is maybe spelled "Shamu?"). It made young, fat Shanon cry. But I actually did enjoy Shamoo's shows at SeaWorld and when I saw real Orca's for the first time I almost peed myself I was so excited. These guys rule! So maybe this is one of those "getting something good out of something terrible" type situations. I dunno. But don't ever call me Shamoo. Seriously.

Things That Happened In/Near Canadiatown

2011-01-11T13:06:00.002-05:00

As you may recall, last year Shanon & I each did our own recaps of our New Years adventures and so here is my recap, including some details Shanon conveniently "forgot."

1. Made out with a French Canadian. No duh this was going to happen. Put me in a house party and I will find the one giant that has lots of terrible tattoos, only has a job and a phone sometimes, and is probably bat-shit nuts. Some people call that a gift. Oh, and Shanon poured her drink down his buttcrack.

2. Made some new friends at a bar while Shanon & Nicky smoked a doob and took a bubble bath together in their underwear. Oh, and our gay friend sat and talked with them the whole time.

3. New friends we met at the bar came over to smoke a doob with me & Chris. Allegedly woke Shanon up at 3:30am with a raging debate over Scalloped Potatoes vs. Potatoes Au Gratin. (They are the same! Everyone wins.)

4. Last text I sent to Shanon in 2010 read, "I drew a dong on the cab window that's jizzing 2011."

5. Her first text to me of 2011 read, "Are you alive? You make out with that giant?"

6. When in Rome.

7. Made some stoney baloney driving art of my own. Mountains rule.

Boner Killer of the Day

2011-01-11T12:38:00.000-05:00

There are some bonerkillers, like adults wearing overalls to the bar for instance, that simply make me think to myself, "Well, that's unfortunate" and I get on with my evening. But certain things that people choose to put on their bodies truly make me feel like a piece of my soul crumpled up and died. And one of them is grown people wearing knitted animal hats. I get that it's Wintertime and when you're freezing you really could not give a fuck how dumb you look, but that's not the case with these hats. What I think happens is people see a little kid pulling off this look and think they will look equally cute after strapping an adorable monkey or a scary tiger to their head. See below- cute!

Here is what happens when a grown man wears one. Scary on an entirely different level. These hats are not sexist either, as women look equally horrifying in them. I'm gonna go ahead and say that no one over the age of ten should attempt these and that if I were president, I'd make a rule saying just that. With a clause allowing egging and/or pantsing of all parties in violation.

Shannie's Music Poo Baw Whatever

2011-01-10T16:49:00.003-05:00

Music talk time!

Here are some bands I think are gonna be just swell in 2011.

Lower Dens - look at how cute this video pic is!! These guys are from Brooklyn, ergo musical geniuses. Just learn to love them.

Suuns - They kind of sound like Clinic in this song, which is a-ok by me, but the rest of the album is pretty much a mind fuck. The good kind. And they're on Secretly Canadian soooo... obviously you have no choice but to like them.

Group Love - so cute!

Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All (OFWGKTA) - This crew is a bunch of little shit heads from LA. Seriously, I think Earl Sweatshirt is 15 and Tyler, The Creator is 18. But I'm diverse, you see. And I know my shit. They are bueno. Although to be fair they came into my office recently and I noticed 1) that their crew was probably the most black people that've ever been in this office, and 2) their manager is someone I have been intimate with. Several times.

Boner of the Day

2011-01-10T16:32:00.003-05:00

Nicholas Hoult! About a boy, you say? More like about a man! Ok I couldn't keep a straight face while writing that and am basically crying over my desk right now. But real talk - I watched the first two seasons of Skins over the weekend and this kid is such a smokin hot asshole on the show. And sure, in one of these photos he's all "shhh don't tell anyone I like it up the bum," but I'd still hit it.

Thinks That Happened In (Or Near) Canada

2011-01-10T15:52:00.005-05:00

Well hello! Been a while. That Jenny chick is making me look bad. Here are some things that happened on our vacation to Montreal.

1. Made out with a French Canadian. No duh this was going to happen. The funny thing is that he's a tour manager for some bands I like. Put me in a crowded bar and I will find the one dude that is in the music biz. Some people call that a gift.

2. Got super stoned and rode in the trunk of a car. That dumb blizzard messed up our traveling plans so we had to drive to Canada. It was crowded so I rode in the trunk part of the way. I got stoney baloney and started taking pics. Here is one I thought to be quite artistic. I call it "O Hai iPod."

3. Ate some Canadian bagels. These things are good! Way better than the stupid kind I get at La Bagel Delight. I was pretty drunk when we made a pit stop to buy a dozen. Luke and I were picking out cream cheese and the woman behind the counter goes "Oh! We have Philadelphia cream cheese if you want." My loud drunks response was "No no, we're AMERICAN."

4. Poured my drink down a French Canadians butt crack. Woopsies.

5. Ate mushrooms and went to a biodome. There were 4 different climates!

6. Ate this. And then subsequently went on the master cleanse after I returned home. My colon - much happier now.

7. Spent a magical evening in Schroon, NY. Luke and Cara's car broke down about 2 hours outside of Montreal. We ended up spending 23 hours at a B&B owned by a delightful hippy couple. Here's some original music from the husband who made us cookies.

Rezzolutions

2011-01-07T16:46:00.000-05:00

I never really get behind new years resolutions, because if I feel changes need to be made, I just go balls out instead of weinering around until January 1st. Who am I kidding, I change for no one. But hey, swing for the fences, amiright? Here goes:

1. Don't eat so many cookies. If I had to put a number on the amount of cookies I ate in December, it would be in the 50-70 range and I don't need a Chinaman with an abacus to tell me that's about 40 too many. 2011 is all about no, or significantly fewer, cookies. And so far so good. Excluding the two I ate when our car broke down in the Adirondack mountains, which I am not counting because who knows what the fuck year it is there. My guess is 1978.

2. Refer to more people as; "babe" "chief" and "captain."

3. Not be so hard on people. Have I canceled a first date cause the dude texted me "LOL" before we went out? Who hasn't, but this year is all about giving people a chance. Which I genuinely attempted last night, right up until I asked the hot dude I was chatting with why he was dressed so fancy and he replied, "Because I truly think in my last life I was an assassin from the sixties." Sigh.

4. Never go to the bathroom with a coat on. Taking a page out of Chris's handbook on this one, after he said "Know what's the worst? Taking a poop with your coat on." And I couldn't agree more, except having to sit down to pee equals twice the coat/bathroom dilemmas and I will stand for none of it. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

5. Repair things more. Maintenance is not my strong suit, but that was 2010 Jenny. In fact, after work today I am going to buy; a battery for my smoke alarm, glue for my shoes, and a lid for the toilet since the old one jumped ship about six months ago. No catching fire or hobo shoes for me. Sittin' pretty.

6. Not give a shit. 2010 = gave a shit. 2011 = no shits for no one. "People' and their "drama"? Not on my watch. I was gonna make this resolution Be Less of A Jerk, but that seemed très ambitious. Instead I'm just not gonna give one gahd damn. Yeah.

7. Wear slippers more.

Boner of the Day

2011-01-05T17:27:00.000-05:00

Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck.

(Shepard Fairey)

Holiday Movie Reviews

2011-01-05T10:52:00.002-05:00

What else is there to do over the holidays besides eat and watch movies? Eat and watch movies stoned. But seriously, that's pretty much what Shanon and I did over Christmas and New Years, when we weren't making out with French-Canadians or battling blizzards and brokendown cars, that is. If my calculations are correct and they're probably not, we clocked in a solid 24 hours of movie watching (excluding Roseanne and Jersey Shore time). So I thought I'd put on my Siskel pants and my Ebert beret and review them all for you.

First up; on Christmas eve we ordered Easy A on demand, after I cracked the passcode for movie ordering that was put on the cable box after Shanon's old roomie ordered one too many pay per view pornos to watch on their couch. Gross. Anyway, that movie was all kinds of good! Amanda Bynes was in it and I used to have a girl crush on her when she was on that show "What I Like About You," but no mas. I think they tried to teach me a lesson at the end, but I am unclear about whether it was saying I should be abstaining or having more sex...Gonna go with the latter.

Interview With A Vampire. I forgot how chock full o' babes this movie is. And Kirsten Dunst, I turned to Shanon and said, "Man, I couldn't act like that was I was eleven, no way." Couldn't act my way out of a box.

Star Trek. (New one) I was on the fence about watching this, but then Shanon said, "Will you make all of my Christmas wishes come true and watch Star Trek??!?!" And I just couldn't bring myself to crush a nerd's dreams on Christmas, so I agreed. And I was into it, not gonna lie. Although, having never watched a single episode of the Trek myself, about a third of the way through I said, "Wait...so why are they in space?" Shanon just looked at me and rolled her eyes.

MacGruber. The only funny part of this movie was that the villian's name was Cunth.

Exit Through the Gift Shop. Banksy gives himself a pretty big beej in this movie, which would make me more mad if I didn't want to repeatedly punch Mr. Brainwash in the head. Otherwise, not bad. And I kinda want to do Shepard Fairey? Yay street art.

Joan Rivers-Piece of Work. Seeing as I am more less a gay man, I loved this movie! Joan Rivers is nuts. And hilarious. I have never seen a comedian take down a heckler like she does. All the inappropriate jokes.

Anchor Man. If you can ask for anything more than what this movie provides, you are just being greedy.

Ocean's Eleven. Again, chock full of babes. More Brad Pitt! Julia Roberts is wack in this piece, but any movie that I would bone 5 out of the 11 main dudes gets a thumbs up in my book.

Ocean's Twelve. More Brad Pitt! Catherine Zeta Jones is wack in this piece, but any movie that I would bone 5 out of the 12 main dudes gets a thumbs up in my book.

Spy Game. More Brad Pitt! And sexy Boner of Yesteryear Robby Redford. Spies are cool.

War of the Worlds. Know what I can't deal with in movies, is little kids acting wise beyond their years. Enter Dakota Fanning. When I was 10 years old, I didn't go around saying shit about my brother to my Dad like, "That's not the way to get close to him, tell him how you feel or you'll only end up pushing him further away." I was discussing The Simpsons and riding my bike to the 7-11 to buy candy and X-Men trading cards. And beating up kids like Dakota Fanning.

An Education. While watching this, I texted Andrew, "I like this movie cuz the dude's bangin' and the girl's name is Jenny." And that about sums it up.

Things I Do And Probs Shouldn't

2010-12-22T16:47:00.000-05:00

-Eat food off the floor. I heard ~~on the Tyra show~~ somewhere that the "five second rule" doesn't actually exist and that if you drop anything on the floor you really just shouldn't eat it at all. But what if it's your very last Dorito? Or a Momofuku cookie? Have you HAD them?? I would maybe trade my first child for one, because there would certainly be a lot less crying in my life. What I'm saying is, hasn't killed me yet, so I can only assume it's making me strong as an ox..

-Re-wear socks. And most clothing, for that matter. Laundry, what a bitch and a giant waste of my time. In my personal opine, so long as it doesn't smell, I say re-wear it until you get to work and then notice there is a weird food spot on it and you have to all pretend to your co-workers like you did it at breakfast and you're just a messy eater. Which fools no one, btw.

-Speaking of, I also wore a pair of underpants that came back in the wash that upon closer inspection later in the day, were def not mine. I mean, now they are, since any damage was clearly already done, but I also thought to myself "no biggie." I'm pretty sure the Asian leprechauns who wash my clothes leave everything in the dryer for at least 14 hours because it all comes back two sizes smaller, therefore sufficiently killing any and all hitchhiking germs. I did, however, throw out the jockstrap that came back with my laundry one time. And started tipping them better.

-Sext. Can't stop, won't stop.

Boner of the Day

2010-12-21T14:30:00.001-05:00

Holy Rudolph am I bored this week. Everyone's pretty much running out the clock and pretending to work until they can split for the holidays, so I have been filling my days with emails from Chris involving racist ghosts and freaky looking ponies, but I am seriously considering Irishing up my afternoon coffee, cause this elf is boo-oared.

Enter Garrett Hedlund! Whatta stone cold fox homeboy is. I guess he was on that show Friday Night Lights that I've been told to watch, due to the abundance of boners and I guess he's in "Tron" too, but he caught my eye on the cover of this month's "W" mag. He was wearing leopard print pants, which in reality, no man ever should and sometimes he looks mad gay, but I care not. He's like my own x-mas miracle.

And just for shits and gigs, here's that freaky deaks pony I was talking about.

A Tale of Woe

2010-12-20T15:16:00.004-05:00

I was in LA this past weekend for a work event. It was raining and shitty the whole time but aside from that I'd describe my overall trip as "weird." I had a very bad weed experience on Friday that I've decided to tell in full. (The rest of the trip was rad and I'll talk about it later).

Here goes!

I flew in Friday and after doing a bit of work decided I need to get my medical weed on. I don't have one of those magic cards but my buddy's friend works at a dispensary so we got her to grab a few things and bring them to me. I prefer eating my weed so bought two lollipops and two boxes of truffles. The truffles come 2 for $5. The weed store employee told me to eat one, then wait an hour and eat the other. She said after that I'd be feeling juuuust fine.

First lesson learned - do not take advice from someone who works at a dispensary and is a bigger stoner than you will ever be. OR! Listen to her advice and then cut it by 75%. I should've eaten only half of one truffle, but instead I ate TWO.

The first one I took over pizza dinner. We stumbled into what I can only guess was the Berrics holiday party. I was all glassy eyed from starring at all the famous skaters. So many! Maybe that's what lulled me into a false sense of security because I promptly ate the other truffle after we left.

The event was at a venue that probably wasn't legal and made me question my life choices even before the weed fully kicked in. Remember what it was like going to all-ages hardcore shows? Exactly. Drunk teenagers starting fights.

Second lesson learned - do not get super blazed and go to a work event that includes a mess of wasted kids.

By the time the main band came on I was TRIPPING. And I mean like straight up hallucinating. Everyone's heads got real big and the music slowed and it was all womp womp womp in my field of vision. I was standing in the back and literally couldn't move because my legs were being non-responsive. Then I had to talk myself off a panic attack ledge. "Don't worry, you're just peeking, it'll be over in 10 minutes, stay calm." Have you ever had to tell yourself that? HAVE YOU?!

After I came down from that fun experience I proceeded to get the worst cotton mouth of my life. I kept mumbling, "need water," over and over. Sounded like a crazy person. My friend Arlie (hi if you're reading this Arlie!) asked me if I was alright. "You seem very thoughtful," he incorrectly guessed. When I explained how stoned I was he said, "Ah, so you're actually the opposite of thoughtful." Bingo.

After that whenever he ran into a friend he felt obligated to introduce me as his "really high friend Shanon, oh by the way who's running the event, and who's so high she's acting like a sphinx." He called me a sphinx for the rest of the night, which I guess is ok considering all the other options that come to mind.

It was a freaky deaky evening and I was still stoned all Saturday. But I made it! Glad to be alive. So to summarize I hope to never be that stoned ever again in my entire life. But Thee Oh Sees performed and they were fantastic. John Dwyer's a genius. I might still be stoned.

Dear Santa,

2010-12-16T17:36:00.002-05:00

How is the North Pole? I hope Mrs. Clause has been putting out and that you got Rudolph the help he needed for his "nose problem."
Allright, enough chit chat, let's get down to business. You and I both know that my name set the benchmark for the "Good List" this year and I could be doing a lot worse in the ho ho ho department, so here's some crib notes of things I'd like my stocking stuffed with:

A disposable flask. I originally wanted a real flask and I am frankly ashamed for going 28 years without one, but then I found these disposable flask jams exist and oh hello, I'll take four hundred, please. This is going to make attending sporting events so much easier. Metal detectors? No prob, Bob. In fact, fuckit, I'ma line my pockets with them.

A stunt double. But only for boring stuff! Not a clone, mind you, we've all seen "Multiplicity" here. But one to stand in on line at the bank or the post office or for dudes who are a snooze in the sack or at work on days when I am hungover.

A samurai sword. Maybe this is my love of Kill Bill talking, but swords are cool and I want one. It should probably lean towards the blunt side though,unless you want to deliver me a lawyer to handle the subsequent legal battles I foresee.

Drunk babes & free pizza. These things are both great separately, but when they're combined it's like being round-housed by a happiness ninja. A babe bought me a slice last night! Keep 'em coming, Daddy Clause.

Hannukah's for jerks,
xx Jenny

2011 Wellness Plan

2010-12-16T14:08:00.003-05:00

The other day Chris and I were talking about New Year's resolutions and he said "I don't make resolutions, I make a wellness plan." And in case you're wondering, "wear slippers more" is an example of the things that are included on his plan. But I think it's a genius idea so I'm gonna make my own.

1. Never eat shitty food EVER AGAIN. I've already sworn off bodega egg and cheese sandwiches because they've disappointed me on one too many occasions. After this morning's bagel debacle I might have to add those to the list as well unless it's fresh out of the oven and put immediately into my mouth (that's what she said). I don't think it's too much to ask that everything I eat be the most delicious thing I've ever had.

2. Be hungover at work less often. Today I am the kind of hungover where my eyes are permanently at half mast and walking up stairs is difficult. I normally don't really care but when you actually have to do shit at work and you can't because you're so hungover that you're dumb? Nah, not into it.

3. Drink more wine. Last night at Gandy's holiday party I drank so many vodka sodas that the hot waiter started judging the shit outta me. Then I saw a dude drinking white wine and I thought "DUH!" Two glasses of that and I slept like a baby.

4. Try to be more like a dog. Nap, eat, walk around, that's it. I mean sure, I have to work to pay the bills, but in my spare time? Dog's life for me. A coworker summed it up best just now when he proclaimed, "Being a human is such a hassle." Preach.

5. Get one of those savings accounts everyone keeps talking about. This just makes sense. I guess. It'll my make my moms happy at the very least.

6. Listen to more classical music. No homo! We all know I love the shit. Plus it increases brain power. Then I won't feel so dumb when I'm hungover everyday. See my logic?

7. Get back to my roots. Like this song. Fuck I love the Three Musketeers movie.

Win Some, Lose Some

2010-12-15T15:23:00.001-05:00

Deep Thoughts, Always

2010-12-14T17:06:00.002-05:00

Christmas Miracle!

2010-12-14T14:06:00.002-05:00

I had Jenny take down my previous post because it made me feel like a real c-face (for those of you that read it already, don't judge me). Plus Jenny called me "heartless" this morning so now I'm working on being a better person? Haha, jk, I couldn't even type that with a straight face.

But so instead of being bitchy I will illustrate to everyone how karma is REAL. This morning on the way to work I slipped in some ice. What happened is I went into the splits and crashed down on both of my knees. It hurt so bad I started weeping like a little girl. But the miracle is that I didn't bust my tights OR spill my coffee. So you see, I must be doing something right.

Here's what sober pain looks like.

Nineties Fashion Ups & Downs

2010-12-07T17:49:00.002-05:00

This morning I was late to work because I spent a solid twenty minutes trying to figure out how to wear these sweet nineties floral print high-waisted stirrup pants I scored in Florida, without looking like a pregnant librarian equestrian via '98. Let's just say I lost the battle, but not the war. In general though, I am a fan of the nineties resurgence and I know Shanon talked about doing a 90's clothing post awhile back and maybe she did (my memory, she's not so good) but here's my take, nonetheless.

Thigh highs: Thumbs up
Way up! These have become a slutty staple of mine. I wore them in the seventh grade and I loved them every bit as much then as I do now. Even wore em to work, after I was getting dressed and asked my slumber party buddy if they were too slutty to wear to the office and he said, "Not on Friday." Boom.

Miniskirt suits: Thumbs down
Again, seventh grade, but this is too "Clueless"-esque even for me. I want to be Cher & Dion for Halloween but in the real world, it just feels like a recipe for a rapin'.

Bootcut jeans: Thumbs down
For life.

Floral print: Thumbs up
I was walking down the street the other day past these two dudes whilst wearing my floral print dress and I heard one say to the other, "The thing about girls who wear floral print is-" and then they went into a store and I missed what it was and that shit has been driving me fucking bananas ever since. WHAT IS THE THING?!?? That we're awesome? Or slutty? Or can it be both? IS IT BOTH??!??

Rompers: Thumbs up
All my rompers or "one-pieces" if you will, are floral print.

Knitted hippy hats: Thumbs down
I saw a dude wearing one of these on the train and looked around to make sure I didn't accidentally wander into a Phish show and upon the discovery that I hadn't, spent the rest of the trip trying to stare hard enough at it and with enough hatred that it would catch fire. Didn't work, but maybe I will get a Missed Connection out of the ride, eeeeeee....

Doc Martens: Thumbs down
Ok, Shanon has a pair of fancypants new re-vamped Doc clog thingies and this may be the one scenario where two wrongs make a right because I will steal them jams from her the first chance she passes out drunk before me, but all other docs = hideous lesbian monster boots that make your feet look ridiculous and give me e-pill raver days flashbacks. Shudder.

Choker: TBD
My instincts say no, but I feel like I cannot in all honesty say I will never wear a choker again. Shrug.

Looney Toons clothing: I used to have so many LT t-shirts that I single handedly kept WB in business and my favorite was the one with Bugs & Taz dressed like wiggers wearing all of their clothes backwards a la Kriss Kross. Yeahhhhh. So I want to say thumbs down, but the other eve at the bar, Gavin pointed out a dude straight rocking a Yankees jacket with most of the cartoon cast embroidered onto the back of it. I fully expected to be disgusted, but instead found myself thinking, "Hello, old friend."

Two For Two

2010-12-03T10:13:00.002-05:00

In keeping with my "daughter of the year" bid, I realized last night that I forgot my grandmother's birthday (aka my 2nd mom) as well. My two moms' bdays are 8 days apart and woops, I forgot them both. I called my grandma immediately upon my realization of this and screamed "I FUCKED UP AND I'M AN ASSHOLE" which made her laugh and complain that she'd have to tattoo her birthdate on my forehead. Jokes on you, Noni, cause that shit is actually my ATM pin. Yet I STILL forgot. I was really hoping for an iPad for my bday but that's out the pooper at this point. And that old woman's been after my favorite scarf for about two years and already said the only way she'd forgive me is if I finally handed over the goods. What a bitch.

And in case you missed, last night Conan wore jeggings and it's about the funniest shit I've seen in my life. I was literally cackling.

Shanon Is High Maintenance

2010-12-02T17:14:00.001-05:00

Shanon called me high maintenance yesterday, because I told her I'd only go to her soiree if Gandy was going too. I then informed her that it is she who is the HM one, not me. This turned into a Festivus celebration and we decided to air our grievances with each other so here goes:

1. Says "hyperbolic" too much. We get it, Shanon, YOU KNOW BIG WORDS. Find a new one.

2. Has ruined muffins for me and is trying to ruin Cliff bars too. She told me that muffins were fat people food and now I get sad and feel like I'm eating my emotions when I have one. The other day I got a free box of Cliff bars and said I was psyched and Shanon said she used to eat them until her boss saw her and said they are loaded with carbs and that's what he eats before a long ass bike race. I eat them in preparation of sitting at my desk all day. Great.

3. Hmm I'm not sure that I actually know anybody with less tact. One time I introduced her to a friend of mine and the first thing Shanon said to her was "Did you used to be a man?" (The answer was no.)

4. Hates all dudes I date. Even the ones she never met. She also acts like a huge bitch to my exes, which actually can be highly entertaining. Until I inevitably fall off the wagon and get with them, at which point the reset button gets hit and the journey begins again.

5. Claims to go "take a nap" when we all know that is code for boning down. You're fooling no one, Shanon. No one.

6. Too many toes.

7. Okay, I am running out of steam here. My brain hurts.

I would also like to set the record straight on a few items in her post:

3. It was Sprite, not water.
7. Left them at my house, therefore became my property. Putting them in a spot where you can't see them when you come over is not "stealing," btw.
8. You're a jerk.
9. You forgot Gandy, who is only a snooze when he is sleeping.

Jenny Is High Maintenance

2010-12-02T15:08:00.003-05:00

The other day I told Jenny she's my most high maintenance friend which not only peeved her real good but also prompted her to proclaim that i was "way more high maint." Eye rolling cue. So now we are writing reasons why the other is more HM. Here are my reasons, which are actually more of an airing of grievances than anything else.

1. Laziest bitch I know yet expects everyone to bring her bagels and pizza upon demand. One time she even got pissed at Chris for not bringing her mushrooms when he, himself, was on them and at his house. That hussy would never deliver drugs for no one. ESPECIALLY if she was all shroomied out. "Captain Demando" should be her other nickname after "Jerk."

2. Talks a lot of shit on people who dook her but has no qualms with dolling out the dooks.

3. Won't let me borrow books but attempts to steal mine all the time. And she spilled water all over the last book I lent to her. Just plain wrong.

4. Whenever I show her something cool she tells me to give it to her.

5. Makes poor men decisions. And guess who has to listen to all the subsequent bitching? Shannie has to.

6. Told me the other day she bought a shirt that I would totally love, but then kept it for herself. That's almost worse than being an indian giver.

7. Stole my Reno 911 DVDs.

8. Doesn't eat meat. This is not so much a big deal to me as it is to, say, Nicky, but I hate cooking food without meat in it. I'm giving her cereal for our orphan Christmas dinner.

9. Calls my other friends who are not her, Nicky, or Chris, "snoozes."

10. In general is the only bitch I know who's bitchier than me. And this coming from the girl who last night told a guy to his face to please go away because he was wearing baggy jeans.

Boner of the Day

2010-12-02T14:04:00.002-05:00

James Murphy. Sure, he's got the je ne sais qoui of a chubby frat boy thing going on, but christ, I would drop my panties in a second for the man who wrote "All My Friends." Not to get all hyperbolic but I think this jam is the best song ever written. The Franz Ferdinand cover taint bad either.

Double Dooked

2010-12-02T12:28:00.002-05:00

Last night I was supposed to go to with Gandy to a screening for Shanon's work. The plan was to go to a bar on the lower east side, then to our favorite sammie shop, then the screening, then after party. What happened was, I met Gandy at his office where he fixed me a gin & Dr. Pepper and I think that's where the plan began to unravel. We then went to meet his clients at a music studio, where they fed us drinks and ordered us pizza. Around 8:30, Gandy dooked me and I mean DOOKED me. Went to go have a cigarette with his coworker, who came back upstairs and said. "So I'm not supposed to tell you, but Andrew left." Motherfucker Irish goodbyed me, with his boss, his coworkers and a mess of other people I didn't know, who then made fun of me for getting ditched. In turn, I decided to dook Shanon and hop a cab back to Brooklyn to make poor decisions of my own. I kind of dooked her Saturday too, come to think of it, so I am pretty much waiting for the other poo shoe to drop. In other news, I am very hungover and this update from my girl Leslie is about the only thing keeping me going:

jenny. i had a date last night with a guy who said his favorite movie, hands down, is the sound of music. srsly. he's asian. he also told me about the disco ball in the center of his living room ceiling.
he also wants to make a chandelier out of a hooka. he's fascinated with hookas "i don't like to smoke anything, but i like the idea of community and sharing."

Oh, also Cara tricked me into agreeing to babysit her broken cat over the weekend, which I guess means drug it and make it watch "I Love You Man" with me on Sunday morning. Here is a picture she sent me of said Frankencat, with the caption "Scary ass cat." His name is Chris and he just had surgery because he is not good at being a cat and fell out of a tree and broke his hip. The surgery wasn't cheap either and I think Cara's Mom put it best when she said, "New cats are free."